Dear Dr. K,
Any ideas on how I can relieve my mother’s anxiety about her thinking an animal got in the house? I can’t find anything and have moved the couches but she is convinced and scared.
She’s always been a worrier, plus her thinking has been deteriorating and her vision is impaired a bit. I take care of her and my Dad both 94. She gets upset if I tell her I think she just thought she was seeing something and says I think she is crazy. Last night she woke me up shaking and practically in tears because she thought she saw it again -I offered for her to come sleep with me but she wouldn’t. Any suggestions? — C.S.
Thanks so much for sending in this question. This is a very common complaint I hear from family caregivers, so I am happy to share some thoughts about what might be going on and what you can do.
Now, I can’t say for sure what is going on with your mother. That’s because she’s not my patient, and I’m not in a position to interview her and examine her.
What I can say, however, is that it’s very common for older adults to develop persisting fears, worries, and complaints that often strike their family members as irrational, paranoid, absurd, or ridiculous.
Why is this?
Among my own patients, I’ve found this is often related to underlying cognitive impairment. Meaning, a problem with memory or thinking that hasn’t yet been fully diagnosed by doctors. In some cases, this kind of complaint ends up being one of the very earliest signs of clinical dementia.
Lewy-Body dementia, in particular, is associated with visual hallucinations. But any process causing brain deterioration (Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia, etc.) can result in anxieties spiraling out of control, or persisting strange beliefs.
That said, it’s quite possible for an aging person to express such fears and not have it be dementia. Maybe there really is an animal in the house, or a person stealing your parent’s things. It’s also possible for people to develop confusion or false beliefs due a problem other than dementia, such as mental illness or delirium.
(For more in-depth information on the most common causes of paranoia and strange beliefs in older adults, see this article:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.)
Still, given your mom’s age and the fact you’ve noticed other signs of “thinking deterioration,” there’s a good chance that her persisting fear could be related to some chronic underlying cognitive impairment.
4 Things to try to help your mother
I can’t tell you what you should do, but here are some ideas that are generally helpful for this type of situation:
1. Evaluate her underlying cognitive condition. In other words, get her evaluated for possible underlying dementia. Alzheimer’s and other dementias are not curable, but if that’s what’s going on, getting a diagnosis sooner rather than later can help you. For instance, if she gets this diagnosis then you’ll know to look for relevant caregiver resources, including resources on communication in dementia.
For more on what can cause cognitive problems in older adults, see “Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.”
There are also a number of things you can do to help her thinking be the best it can be, such as avoiding certain medications, minimizing stress, and promptly recognizing delirium.
Last but not least, if she is diagnosed with dementia, your family should address advance care planning, and prepare for further cognitive decline. (This is sad to think about, but important!)
2. Reason why, rather than reasoning with. Instead of trying to convince her that nothing is there, see if you can figure out what might be triggering her perception that an animal is in the house. Is there a flapping curtain or other object that she’s misinterpreting, given her vision problems? Would better lighting in the house at night help?
3. Prioritize reassurance, validation, and emotional connection over rational explanations. No matter what their age or mental condition, people respond to feeling heard and loved.
And once the brain starts changing, it’s even less likely that a logical explanation will relieve a person’s anxiety. So, try focusing on acknowledging her concern and helping her feel better. It does sound like you’re already trying to do this, but since it’s such an important point, I’m saying it anyway!
Interestingly, research indicates that even people with poor memories maintain a lasting impression of an emotional experience. So keep fostering those positive emotions however you can. You might find that a hug and song work better than moving all the couches, and having your mother worry that you think she’s crazy.
4. Consider getting ideas from others caring for elderly relatives. Other family caregivers are often an excellent source of advice for trouble-shooting common problems such as anxiety, or even delusions.
You can start getting ideas — and support — from other caregivers right away through an online forum, such as the one at AgingCare.com. I would recommend doing this while her cognitive evaluation is pending, as you and she need practical behavior solutions sooner rather than later.
(Need more guidance on how to implement the suggestions above? I do offer a course to help families with all of this: Helping Older Parents with Early Memory Loss.)
Whom to ask for help
Of course, I always recommend families bring up their concerns with their relative’s doctors. Most concerns families have about an aging parent do track back to underlying medical problems that should be identified and addressed.
That said, many primary care doctors don’t have the time or experience to provide the optimal evaluation and support. If her doctor doesn’t seem very helpful, consider a specialty consultation with a neurologist, memory center, or geriatrician. (See this post for ideas on how to find a geriatrics consultation.) This should enable you to get a better understanding of what brain and body problems might be affecting your mother’s behavior.
For managing day-to-day challenges, you can get excellent practical advice from geriatric care managers, but this usually requires paying out of pocket.
I hope some of this advice helps. This is a tough situation to deal with, but if you’re persistent about investigating and looking into other ways to respond, you’ll hopefully hit upon an approach that brings your family some relief.
If nothing else, finding out that other people are dealing with similar problems is often a big relief to people.
You might also find my free online training for families helpful (see below), in which I teach families how to better communicate with an aging parent who may have memory loss.
[This article was last updated in June 2023.]
Fabrizio Lilliu says
My 89-year old dad started just from a day to the other to worry about his duties to go to work and carry out what he used to to more than thirty years ago. He talks about seeing people who are not in this world anymore and interacts with them just as normal. However when i try to bring him to reality he is rather bright and aware of actuality. Is it a sign of initial sementina?
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
It sounds like he might be having visual hallucinations. In people of his age, this can definitely be related to changes in memory and thinking. (That said, sometimes it’s solely due to vision changes.) I would consider it a warning sign, and I would recommend he get more evaluation to check on his memory and thinking. Good luck!
Shara says
My mom is 76 years old . She used to complain my dad as he has other relationships and he has no savings because of that. Gradually she started blaming all the ladies in the neighborhood saying they are all having relationships with my dad even though I don’t think it’s true. I have been married for past 15 years and recently my parents visited us and complained that you don’t have a good family life as she is suspecting my husband has relationship with my cousin. I tried to talk to her and dad to convince the truth that we are happy , but they said I am not smart enough to understand what is going around me . Then I told my dad to take her to a psychiatrist , she overheard it and got mad at me . My dad is also very angry and tough person . Now she only maintains relationships with my sister and she does not understand the seriousness of the illness Since we live in 2 countries, how can I help her to reduce her anxiety as my parents don’t want me to go to their house anymore.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I’m sorry that you’re having these difficulties in your relationship with your parents. You don’t mention if your mom or dad have cognitive impairment, but these kinds of behaviours can common in dementia. On the other hand, if your mother has had anxiety about your dad’s “relationships” for many years, then it may be part of a more longstanding personality or mental health issue.
There’s probably not much you can do to reduce your family members’ anxieties, other than validate their feelings and experiences, and encourage them to look after their own health needs. Most likely, you’ll have opportunities to get involved with helping your parents in the future, especially if there is a dementia.
Julie says
Hello I wonder if you could advise me please. My 86yr old dad has visual problems related to glaucoma & cateract but this is being treated. He’s struggled with this for a while but this is now pretty much under control.
He is fiercely independent & still maintains this well but I’ve recently noticed him becoming fixated on things.
For example, if he gets an idea in his head about something it has to happen right now!
For instance his TV areal became loose and he wanted to go to a particular place 3 miles away to get a new one, when there’s a shop nearby that sells it.
He can’t wait a day or so to get it, but it has to be right now. He has been tested for dementia but he doesn’t have it.
Can you suggest what might be happening please?
Nicole Didyk, MD says
A change in behaviour or personality can be a sign of a medical or mental health issue, like depression or anxiety. Anxiety is more common in older adults with depression, as we discuss in this article: /depression-in-aging-diagnosis-and-treatment/ Impatience and intense focus on a particular worry or need can be part of anxiety.
I would recommend a review of medications as well, as there are many medications that can cause irritability and mood changes (prednisone, beta blockers, and benzodiazepines to name a few).
If this trait is getting in the way of your relationship with your dad, it might be worth talking to a counselor or therapist (if you have one). Chances are it’ll be easier for you to modify your response to his “urgent” requests than it will be for him to change his behaviour.
Aparna says
My mom is mentally disturbed I am not understanding what’s happening in my family she is talking and abusing alone if I ask her then she tells that she is taking some relative’s names without any reason she talking alone with the wall can you please suggest me something because of that my house is facing lots of problem.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I’m sorry to hear about your mom, and form the information you provided, it sounds like she may be hallucinating. That’s a very serious symptom and could be due to any one of a number of medical or mental health conditions. I would recommend seeing a doctor or other health provider right away.
Ayushi says
My grandmother plays the victim in every situation. She never admits her faults and can never be satisfied. She finds faults in everything and is always complaining. She also has a habit of gossipping about family members .
She will start crying every time there is a problem and takes undue stress about little things.
She is also emotionally manipulative and will guilt trip me into doing things her way.
Just today she smashed her head on the wall to force my grandfather to take her to the doctor. Admittedly my grandfather does not give proper attention to her health and is more interested in business. But I do not think that smashing her head in front of her 13 and 14 year old grandchildren is a good way to resolve the issue. She periodically threatens to leave the house whenever there’s a fight and expects us to apologise and console her and beg her to come back. She will also refuse to eat food and we have to beg her to eat something and take care of herself.
I am only 14 and my dad’s a single parent busy with his work. So she has raised me and my brother all our life. I feel guilty about feeling this way about her. But it has become hard to deal with it all. What do I do
Nicole Didyk, MD says
This does sound like a very difficult situation, especially for a young person.
There could be medical and personality issues that are affecting your grandmother’s behaviour. I think the main thing for you to know is that this is not your problem to solve.
I would advise someone in your position to get support for the strain that you’re under. Is there a hotline that kids can call in your area? Or a teacher or older relative that you can share this with? You’re not alone and you need support too.
Sabrina Walters says
Hi, my mother is 90 years old and from Costa Rica. We live in the U.S. she has thought for the past several years that someone knocks on her bedroom window. This has never happened. She moved 3 times and the “, knocking” persisted. Now her and my Dad have moved in with my husband and i. She has always loved my husband and gotten along very well with him but now she insists that he is knocking on her bedroom door because he hates her and doesn’t want her to rest. Nothing i say or do makes any difference. I don’t know what to do about it.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
It sounds like your mother is experiencing hallucinations, which can be a symptom of dementia, or another medical issue. It’s very difficult to convince someone that a hallucination isn’t real, and it’s usually best to not even try.
It’s also possible that she’s misinterpreting some other sound, or has an issue with her hearing. Here’s a video I made about that:https://youtu.be/cjj6NyuPyCI.
I would recommend having an evaluation by a medical professional to sort out what’s going on.
Meanwhile, gentle reassurance without arguing is the way to go. Best of luck.
Elle says
Hello,
My mother is 58 and has done the gracious honor of paying for the down payment of the house the myself, my husband, and our two daughters cohabitate with her. It’s been 4 months since moving in together and she has already accused my husband twice now of going into her room and stealing/tampering/hiding her belongings. This of course is not true. She has schizo effective disorder and is bipolar, but I fear she is showing early signs of dementia or some other cognitive declining disease. I urged her to have a conversation with her Dr and psych the first time she accused my husband. I don’t believe she has followed through with her pledge to do so. Her psych put her on new meds and upped her dose on some other meds about a week or two ago, she this morning accused my husband again and sent him a nasty text message stating she’s sick of his twisted, demented mindagmes, accused him of charging her credit card for a meal she asked us to bring to her, and also of stealing her extra bedroom key and insists that he has gone in there to move her belongings where she can’t find them…yet she finds them later. I have reminded her that she asked for a meal and that she was incorrect about the credit card charge and explained to her that my husband goes to work each morning at 5am, comes home, plays with our daughters and goes to bed to wake up the next day to do all over again. She has misplaced her keys in the fridge and has put the tv remote through the dishwasher. She suffers from schizo effective disorder and is bi-polar, but I am here wondering if there’s something else at play. When I told her she must report this to her Dr again today she told me to leave her the hell alone and then went on to say that my husband hid her belongings in her room, that God has given her confirmation and that the universe of justice is always watching and that someday I’ll know the truth of my husband doing these things. Instinctively I flipped out, said awful things to her, and left for the day after my husband came home early from work. Because I cannot deal with her being like this. She’s been gone for 8 hours, no telling where she went, she has no friends and doesn’t do anything for fun recreationally that would warrant her being out of the house for so long. I haven’t yet apologized for any of the awful things I have said to her and aren’t ready to yet but no one has been able to reach her to my knowledge. Her door, is obviously locked, but the light was left on. She refuses to talk to her Dr about this. Also I should mention, the last place she lived at she complained of the same things happening and swore that one of her roommates was stealing and tampering and hiding the same kind of items from her, and insisted he was doing so because he knew she had mental illnesses and was taking advantage of her. Which is why I agreed to letting her live with us, I felt that at least with and around family, she’d feel comfortable, safe. Obviously there is a pattern to this and she refuses to follow the logic and reason I offer. I’ve reached out to her sister and a few close friends regarding these continuous accusations and they told me to not get so worked up over her accusations, if it’s not true and I know it, to let it go. That there is reason for me to feel concerned about dementia, and to keep trying to urge her to go get her memory checked and to be screened. Clearly I can’t force her. I don’t have any info regarding her Dr’s name or number or where their office is. I’m completely at wit’s end. I’m not sure how much longer I can live with her like this. I have to deal with how it makes my husband and children feel and also how it makes me feel. But since her and my husband co-own the home… What am I supposed to do?
Nicole Didyk, MD says
This sounds like a very difficult situation.
As a Geriatrician, I can tell you that it can be difficult to sort out if a new symptom is related to a previous mental health disorder or dementia. In both cases, it may be hard for a person to embrace logic and reason, and they may have false beliefs that they can’t shake (delusions).
Normally, I would encourage someone in your situation to share information with the parent’s doctor, but if you don’t have the doctor’s name, this is tough to do.
Fifty-eight is young to develop Alzheimer’s, but it can happen. There can also be medical conditions at play, like thyroid disease or an infection. Unless your mother in law seems to be in imminent danger, there may not be a way to force her to go to hospital or have an assessment.
I would advise someone in your position to keep track of her behaviour and try to avoid confrontation or argument. It may be that your living situation isn’t feasible until you get some clarity and there’s some progress in the mental health treatment.
Gayle says
My 88 year old mother who previous to this recent occurrence has told people her age is 88 has recently insisted she is 87 both to me and to my brother and won’t be 88 until her next birthday. Neither my brother nor I knew what to say to this so we let it go. She last week had a cognitive test and passed. Her birthday is coming up in May and we’re not sure how to deal with the issue of her age being 89 and not 88 as she insists. Any suggestions? Thank you.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I think one of the important things to cover is that there isn’t really a “pass” on a cognitive test. You can learn more by watching this video I made about memory tests: https://youtu.be/ixJFtRCwrMA
In any case, this is a little awkward but no reason to make a big deal out of it. If you’re planning a celebration, I would avoid putting your mother’s age on anything like a cake or decorations, and maybe let guests know not to mention her specific age, rather just congratulate her for another blessed year.
If you’re noticing other changes in memory or thinking, cognitive test “pass” notwithstanding, these might be worth discussing with your mom and/or her primary care provider.
Rhian says
I feel I’m losing it. I retired last year and returned to the UK for six months to help look after my elderly father who will be 95 yrs old this November. Two siblings told me not to bother, the third had already cut ties with the family. It’s 2022 and I’m here, in the UK, for another six-seven months to give my younger brother a ‘break’ (which he requested).
So… my younger brother hasn’t take a break, he visits every weekend. I don’t really mind but I’ve noticed that when he’s here my father tends to stay in bed and my brother takes up meals and cups of tea. ALSO, and this is the biggie, after my brother has left, my dad does a lot of shouting. He shouts for me to make his bed, get his lunch…tidy-up the kitchen. It’s depressing, I feel like the hired help although I’m not getting paid!
The shouting is more noticeable after my brother has left. While my brother is here, there’s probably no reason to shout since my brother panders to my dad’s ‘needs/whims.’ I’m older than my brother, and I’m also here 24/7 for the next few moths. I’ve been here a month and my father has only stayed in bed once.
Feeling sad and very much alone.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone, but know there are millions of unpaid caregivers in the UK and across the world.
The shouting could be related to hearing impairment among other things, so getting your dad’s hearing checked if it hasn’t been lately is a good idea.
Otherwise, I think you’re onto something in your observation about how differently you and your brother approach your dad. Your brother may have found that the path of least resistance is to wait on him, which has led to burnout and trouble letting go.
Family dynamics can change dramatically when there’s an aging parent with care needs, and it’s not easy to solve overnight, but progress is definitely possible. Dr. K has recently published a book called: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”. This is a practical guide to how to start helping an aging parent, even when you don’t know where to start. You can learn more here. It sounds like your parent has needed help for a while, but there are lots of pearls in the book about how to communicate with siblings and other family to help your parent more effectively and save your sanity.
K says
Hi, I think my mom is delusional but not sure and if she is is it safe to live with her? I can’t exactly just leave the house it’s not possible for me right now in life. She talks to me in negative and messed up ways out of the blue and it isn’t every day but when it happens I make it worse by asking her in simple response “what is going on?” or I’ll wonder what is happening to make her so upset with me. I’m scared for my life sometimes because she makes me feel very ill and I haven’t felt or heard many normal things in communication due to her behavior. I don’t know what to ask or say or how to talk to her when she suddenly tells me I’m doing something I’m not and would love to have advice to keep her happy since I can’t ask what is going on then I have to say or ask something and I just don’t know what. It’s hard to imagine what to say when you can’t ask what is going on when you are suddenly part of an attack and she leaves the room or has me leave it and this has been my whole life. Also sometimes she wants me to take anxiety pills and some have been forced on me after whatever is making her either yell at me or say negative things to me or etc to happen….I just don’t know what to do and really need expert advice and help. I just need to know what to keep saying whenever she tells me something that is disturbed and makes no sense. I mean what can it be if it’s not what is going on? because I never can know and can’t ask…..asking means Im trying to attack her after all….or make things worse. Quite frankly I can’t keep living like this and am deep inside very fearful and uncomfortable on everyday life and not as young as I once was and still young…..Things really change when you stop trying to imagine how not to make someone mad and realize nothing else exists…Im scared….what is supposed to be happening? I hope someone can tell me and give me some simple words to use next when she is like this because what does it mean to live with someone who may have some sort of delusional attacks? I really really have no idea whats going on and maybe never will…I just want to know what to say when something is happening that Im allowed to say for now on so no more attacks. Thanks.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
This sounds like such a difficult situation!
You don’t mention your mother’s age, but if she’s an older adult, and this is a change from her previous behavior, it would be a good idea for her to get assessed by a health professional. Dr. K has an article about paranoia which you can read here:
It’s very hard to figure out the cause of the behavior you describe without a full picture of the person’s health. But in general, when someone is delusional, it’s vital to not use logic. Arguing back and trying to reorient to reality is rarely successful and can escalate things. Trying to avoid the person and give them space, or distract them can be a good strategy.
There may not be anything you can do to make your mother change, but you should get support for yourself. There may be treatment or counselling to deal with the anxiety you’re experiencing, and your doctor is a good place to start looking.