Dear Dr. K,
Any ideas on how I can relieve my mother’s anxiety about her thinking an animal got in the house? I can’t find anything and have moved the couches but she is convinced and scared.
She’s always been a worrier, plus her thinking has been deteriorating and her vision is impaired a bit. I take care of her and my Dad both 94. She gets upset if I tell her I think she just thought she was seeing something and says I think she is crazy. Last night she woke me up shaking and practically in tears because she thought she saw it again -I offered for her to come sleep with me but she wouldn’t. Any suggestions? — C.S.
Thanks so much for sending in this question. This is a very common complaint I hear from family caregivers, so I am happy to share some thoughts about what might be going on and what you can do.
Now, I can’t say for sure what is going on with your mother. That’s because she’s not my patient, and I’m not in a position to interview her and examine her.
What I can say, however, is that it’s very common for older adults to develop persisting fears, worries, and complaints that often strike their family members as irrational, paranoid, absurd, or ridiculous.
Why is this?
Among my own patients, I’ve found this is often related to underlying cognitive impairment. Meaning, a problem with memory or thinking that hasn’t yet been fully diagnosed by doctors. In some cases, this kind of complaint ends up being one of the very earliest signs of clinical dementia.
Lewy-Body dementia, in particular, is associated with visual hallucinations. But any process causing brain deterioration (Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia, etc.) can result in anxieties spiraling out of control, or persisting strange beliefs.
That said, it’s quite possible for an aging person to express such fears and not have it be dementia. Maybe there really is an animal in the house, or a person stealing your parent’s things. It’s also possible for people to develop confusion or false beliefs due a problem other than dementia, such as mental illness or delirium.
(For more in-depth information on the most common causes of paranoia and strange beliefs in older adults, see this article:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.)
Still, given your mom’s age and the fact you’ve noticed other signs of “thinking deterioration,” there’s a good chance that her persisting fear could be related to some chronic underlying cognitive impairment.
4 Things to try to help your mother
I can’t tell you what you should do, but here are some ideas that are generally helpful for this type of situation:
1. Evaluate her underlying cognitive condition. In other words, get her evaluated for possible underlying dementia. Alzheimer’s and other dementias are not curable, but if that’s what’s going on, getting a diagnosis sooner rather than later can help you. For instance, if she gets this diagnosis then you’ll know to look for relevant caregiver resources, including resources on communication in dementia.
For more on what can cause cognitive problems in older adults, see “Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.”
There are also a number of things you can do to help her thinking be the best it can be, such as avoiding certain medications, minimizing stress, and promptly recognizing delirium.
Last but not least, if she is diagnosed with dementia, your family should address advance care planning, and prepare for further cognitive decline. (This is sad to think about, but important!)
2. Reason why, rather than reasoning with. Instead of trying to convince her that nothing is there, see if you can figure out what might be triggering her perception that an animal is in the house. Is there a flapping curtain or other object that she’s misinterpreting, given her vision problems? Would better lighting in the house at night help?
3. Prioritize reassurance, validation, and emotional connection over rational explanations. No matter what their age or mental condition, people respond to feeling heard and loved.
And once the brain starts changing, it’s even less likely that a logical explanation will relieve a person’s anxiety. So, try focusing on acknowledging her concern and helping her feel better. It does sound like you’re already trying to do this, but since it’s such an important point, I’m saying it anyway!
Interestingly, research indicates that even people with poor memories maintain a lasting impression of an emotional experience. So keep fostering those positive emotions however you can. You might find that a hug and song work better than moving all the couches, and having your mother worry that you think she’s crazy.
4. Consider getting ideas from others caring for elderly relatives. Other family caregivers are often an excellent source of advice for trouble-shooting common problems such as anxiety, or even delusions.
You can start getting ideas — and support — from other caregivers right away through an online forum, such as the one at AgingCare.com. I would recommend doing this while her cognitive evaluation is pending, as you and she need practical behavior solutions sooner rather than later.
(Need more guidance on how to implement the suggestions above? I do offer a course to help families with all of this: Helping Older Parents with Early Memory Loss.)
Whom to ask for help
Of course, I always recommend families bring up their concerns with their relative’s doctors. Most concerns families have about an aging parent do track back to underlying medical problems that should be identified and addressed.
That said, many primary care doctors don’t have the time or experience to provide the optimal evaluation and support. If her doctor doesn’t seem very helpful, consider a specialty consultation with a neurologist, memory center, or geriatrician. (See this post for ideas on how to find a geriatrics consultation.) This should enable you to get a better understanding of what brain and body problems might be affecting your mother’s behavior.
For managing day-to-day challenges, you can get excellent practical advice from geriatric care managers, but this usually requires paying out of pocket.
I hope some of this advice helps. This is a tough situation to deal with, but if you’re persistent about investigating and looking into other ways to respond, you’ll hopefully hit upon an approach that brings your family some relief.
If nothing else, finding out that other people are dealing with similar problems is often a big relief to people.
You might also find my free online training for families helpful (see below), in which I teach families how to better communicate with an aging parent who may have memory loss.
[This article was last updated in June 2023.]
Private Person says
Dear Dr. Kernisan,
I really apologize for hiding my name.
My wife and I are in our late 50’s. Of the four parents, only my wife’s father is still with us. He turned 90 around the new year, lives independently (renting), still drives a car, is in a reasonably good health.
The downside is that he is 90, and his mental state and common sense are not what they were. He is spending his life’s savings irrationally. He has three or four credit cards, supposedly for different purchase categories. In practice, what may have been a good logical approach once, is no longer.
My wife and I have accepted the fact that he may be wasting some of his money which are his after all. We just did not realized to what extent. Seeing recently the December statements from two VISAs made me choke. There is a total of $430 for some food supplements, “health and wellness” junk — on one card. The charges for similar products on the other card are “only” $182. As you may guess, it’s the tip of the iceberg.
Is there anything that can be done to remedy the situation, i.e. stop him from this insanity? He thinks (of course!) that he is ok. When my wife tries to question the rationale of some of his actions, he may listen – and then forget the next day , or he may become angry and argumentative, and stop talking and sharing the information.
If the situation warrants your interest, I will be happy to provide more information.
Thank you!
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Completely fine to hide your name. I’m sorry to hear of your dilemma; it’s not an uncommon situation but that doesn’t make it easy. I make some suggestions on how you can try to intervene in these two articles:
Financial Exploitation in Aging: What to Know & What to Do
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
The short answer to your question is that it is rarely possible to persuade or talk someone out of this. It is very common for people of his age to have limited insight into the problems and risks. He needs further evaluation and he may need you to take steps to assist him. Neither of those is easy to achieve.
I am actually considering writing a short ebook with more step by step guidance on what know and to try, because I get a lot of similar questions and the answer is beyond the scope of a comment response or even a single article on the site.
Good luck!
Susan S says
I’m 76. I’ve always been a sort of casual person. My house isn’t perfect but those kinds of things aren’t important to me so much. I’ve always had an inward life. I’m a philosophy major and tend toward the spiritual side of life. Although not overtly. My son recently moved closer to me and he is someone who is nervous almost constantly about how his apartment looks and how things are arranged and esp gets upset if I don’t follow his advice. He even went to the social worker in the hospital where he works and painted me as demented. I do resent that. I used to live this quiet, peaceful life in a small coastal town in Maine. Now I’m always worrying about I have to do this; I have to do that. All from my son. He pounded on me until I finally went to his doctor. Now I’m caught up in the drug cycle. My kidney was harmed by the drugs he prescribed. I figure if I’ve lived this long, then I don’t mind dying in a few years. Perfectly natural. My choice.
but he hleps me by shopping for me and around the house. I would hate to lose that. But, I may have to remove him from my life so I can feel peaceful again. I wish he would leave me alone and stop bullying me. I try, but it’s not good enough.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thanks for sharing this comment and your story. It’s a good counterpoint to all the comments from concerned adult children!
Sounds like your son is concerned about you but perhaps not yet tuned into what’s most important to you. Also sounds like he’s innately more high-strung than you are.
You probably have already tried talking with him about the situation. I would recommend that you keep working on the communication between the two of you. A good book that can help is “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most“; you can probably get it from your public library.
Another option would be to schedule a few sessions to talk to your son in the presence of a family therapist or a mediator. Having a trained professional can help families get past the usual stuck spots that come up when express frustrations with another person.
I do think he needs to respect your wishes and he should try to better understand what’s important to you. And, I would caution you against removing him from your life. Most older adults do benefit from some help and support from family; if not now, you may benefit from his help in the future. So unless he’s a complete maniac and basketcase, I think it’s better to try to come to a better mutual understanding, even if it takes some work and perhaps some sessions with a professional. Good luck!
Marie says
The suggestion to get a doctor diagnosis is a good one, mom refuses to go to the doctor. I’ve tried everything. I’m sure she has an UTI, won’t even do a sample at home for me to take to the lab. She can’t find words, thinks people are breaking into her house (moving her furniture and stealing items), insists there are many children and adults running around her house (no one is at the house), neighbors have called to let me know mom was out walking/knocking at their door at 4:30 in the morning, has trouble remembering how to spell her name, can’t take care of her bills, the list goes on. She refuses to move out of her house. Thank god she finally gave up her car. I’ve called agencies as well as her attorney, have been told until she ends up in the hospital or something bad happens there is nothing I can do. I have taken her picture with my phone number to the police in case she’s out wandering and can’t find her way home. I’m at my wits end, I live 3 hours away, am her only living child, she calls scared and confused. Any advice?
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Ah. Yes, this kind of situation does happen.
Well, if she has been like this for a while (e.g. weeks or months), then it’s unlikely that it’s due to a UTI. (This is not to say that she wouldn’t have a positive urine culture btw; for more see here: UTIs and Urine Bacteria in Aging: How to get the right diagnosis & avoid unneeded antibiotics.
What you describe does sound like late-life psychosis symptoms, and if those are chronic, they are often — although not always — due to a dementia such as Alzheimer’s or Lewy-Body dementia.
Unfortunately, there is no “here’s the action to take” formula that works reliably. You can call Adult Protective Services, what they do is varies on the office, the assigned case worker, and the specifics of the situation. You can try hiring a professional geriatric care manager to help coax your mother into accepting some form of help; they do have experience with resistant and impaired older adults. You can consider petitioning for guardianship; be sure to have collected lots of documentation on her impairments.
Sometimes the police is called to see an impaired older person (sometimes the older person calls, due to the “intruders” in the house”), and they will take the older person to the hospital if they think the person is very cognitively impaired, or otherwise obviously unsafe. Again, different police groups (and individuals) handle things differently.
This is obviously very stressful. I would recommend joining an online support group. The caregiver group at AgingCare.com is very active, many of them have been through similar situations. Good luck!
Rina says
Hello Dr. Leslie, I was browsing through with help identifying dementia and came across this. You seem to know your stuff so I’d figure it wouldn’t hurt to get a professional opinion on this..
I have a boyfriend, needless to say times have been tough on everyone but hardest on him the most, he lost his mother a year or so ago and his dad, about 74 years old was all by himself. He’s made some questionable decisions, like buying non-working over priced cars, and even funding some stranger he met online (a scammer girl of course). So we thought it was best to move in with him, he seemed out of sorts. The house was in a horrible state, the kitchen was FILLED with mouse excrements and dead insects, filthy dishes, food all over the carpet. I felt bad for him, I really did.
We cleaned up the place as best as we could, did as he asked, no problems besides a few skirmishes over silly things. No biggie. But then came the passive aggressive tendencies, the “it’s my house!” and toddler tantrums, (allow me to say I do more than give the man privacy, I litterally lock myself in my room and stay out of sight, no volume on the tv) leaving his dentures in the dirty sink, putting dishes on the ground, getting upset because I “clean too much” or when I back off “don’t clean at all”, leaving the stove pilot on and just leaving the house, just recently his car was stolen into (because he left it unlocked like every door in the house) and his things were stolen and he’s acted as if WE’RE the culprits, not to mention asking me to clean his fridge (which I said “No problemo”) only to get mad at me after scrubbing the whole thing just because I threw away a empty crumb filled bag and said it had ‘sentimental value’. His son was using the bathroom and his dad never knocked on the door or anything, saw the lights on, walked to the kitchen, grabbed a cup (a good china cup from his own family!!!) and used it as the toilet, his son SAW him doing this, but when confronted he denied it and said he’s lying. That’s not something he would ever lie about or want to. He’s very rude and awful when talking about us to others, the whole family wants a bounty on our heads for every ‘horrible’ thing we’ve done to him. I don’t even want to know what he did to the mouth wash to give it those black gunks inside the lid (only three people in the house, we bought it too and he as per usual said “didn’ do it”) I don’t even leave the room to clean or eat anymore…
It’s taken it’s toll on his son, he’s beyond depressed and feels like his dad does it just to spite him, and that he’s not his father anymore. I told him maybe he’s just losing it at his age, he doesn’t mean it. but I don’t know anymore, I don’t like that with what little we have we try and his dad just doesn’t care or seem to understand, he thinks we’re being mean towards him. But we’re just trying to understand why and how to deal with this, we don’t think he should be left alone (especially after the fact he tried to commit suicide) but its hard when he obviously wants us out of “his” house, the house where his son grew up in. Recently he resorted to physically attacking his son, arms raised and swatting and hitting his son, when we asked why he was acting the way he was. He even hit my shoulder and shoved me but did it with a smile like he was ‘kidding around’. The man is also a pill popper and has been even when his son was little, and acts very aggressively if he doesn’t find his pills RIGHT AWAY.
I don’t know who to specifically talk to about this, how to get him the therapy or treatment he needs, because his family being there for him isn’t enough, it just enrages him more. I have no income, lost my job, boyfriend lost his job, and we’ve applied everywhere, my boyfriend told me to stay home and litterally guard all our things from his own dad. What can a no income bum like me do to get this man the help he DESPERATELY needs? Before I end up snapping ???
Thanks for listening!
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
This is a difficult situation but unfortunately not uncommon.
It does sound like you’re seeing some concerning changes, ideally your boyfriend’s father would get a medical evaluation and also probably a social work evaluation. However sounds like he’s reluctant to get help or an evaluation. Coaxing people into getting help is sometimes possible but usually requires a lot of time, patience, and also special communications skills…almost not feasible for most normal people, especially if they have their own jobs or life stressors on their plate, which most people do.
There is really no easy answer. If you are concerned about your safety or his (e.g. that he might try to hurt himself), you should consider calling 911. If you think your boyfriend’s father really can’t manage his affairs, you could consider calling Adult Protective Services. They might have advice on how you can help him, although if you are living in the home and helping to tend to his most essential needs, I think they are unlikely to take substantial action. You can also try notifying the older person’s doctor about his symptoms and problems, if he has a usual doctor.
Otherwise, you and your boyfriend will have to think about what kinds of limits and boundaries you want to set. You can’t really control what this older man does or what ultimately happens to him. You can try to do a helpful thing and if he refuses to accept the help, you’ll have to decide whether to keep trying or not. You don’t have to let his needs and situation take over your life, although if you choose to remain in his home, it’s quite possible that this will continue to aggravate him and also that the situation will remain very stressful. Good luck!
Freida says
Hello Dr. Kernisan-
My Mom is 85 years old. She has many physical challenges as she developed generalized peripheral neuropathy. She takes a lot of medication and lives in a senior residence and has a lot of help coming and going in her home. She moved 1,000 miles away from here about 5 years ago (her choice). I am not in a personal or economic position to run interference in her life at all. The most I can do is listen, make suggestions, offer moral support, etc.
It is a huge challenge for her. Now, while conversing with her, she says many inaccurate and hurtful things to me. I am pretty sure she does not do this on purpose, but it hurts nevertheless.
This article is very helpful. I realize my “not perfect” communication with my mother is getting worse, not better. She says the most hurtful things and it is difficult to ignore them. I do not want to abandon my suffering mother, but I cannot bear some of the remarks she makes. I am single and have a difficult enough time keeping my own life together. I feel I can do just so much to empathize.
You know – I feel like “she’ll be fine and I’ll be a wreck”.
It is hard to keep emotional distance as she is alone and really struggling. I have found on a few recent occasions I have forgone weekend social plans to chat with her on the phone. She is most lonely on the weekends and becomes moody and depressed.
I have tried to add a light touch to this but most recently she said “well you’re alone because you are a career woman”. It is the most hurtful thing she has said to date – as if I am alone and lonely – and I choose to be that way. That is simply not the case.
First off, I still hope to find a nice man. I had always hoped to marry and just because I have worked since age 15 out of necessity doesn’t mean I would not be a good candidate for marriage. That is simply ridiculous. I am not an heiress and would be sleeping in the street if I didn’t work. Furthermore, not everyone is lucky enough to find a great partner for a lifelong marriage. And there are loads of very successful marriages of women with and without careers. I don’t see where that would make a difference.
I get the feeling she thinks since I am not married I can spend each Saturday night talking with her – “keeping her company” – as it were because I have no other “commitments”. In fact, I do. I am committed to taking care of myself because if I don’t, no one else will.
This is not really healthy for me. I need to be out socializing, not “phonesitting” my old mom. When I try to have a chat during the week she is always busy. Saturday is a night I would normally prefer to be out socializing, like all the rest of the single working people around here.
Does this sound extraordinarily selfish on my part? I just can’t do it anymore. She’s had 2 marriages, 6 children, 5 grandchildren. I feel she thinks I never wanted a husband or a family of my own, which is inaccurate. I think that is just her way of trying getting more empathy (she needs it) from me. I am running out of gas for this. I feel like I have been lassoed into this a number of times, so it is a “developing pattern” I wish to break.
My next move is to simply not call on weekends. She has a litany of complaints – and they are real. But I cannot sacrifice my own personal well being to be her “date” Saturday nights. That is the one night she is truly lonely and moody. She has a helper come in every other night of the week (prepare her dinner, help with household chores, bathing, dressing, etc.) EXCEPT Saturday. I cannot exactly understand why this is the case. It seems she wants a “night off” from having a helper in, but then she is extremely lonely. I know she is my mother and am flattered that she finds it diverting to speak with me, but I cannot “date” my mother each Saturday night.
I am going to strongly urge her to get a helper to come in on Saturday night. I have a younger sister who is more flush with cash who has been very helpful to my mom. I am planning to suggest to my mother that she gets someone in to help her on Saturday nights, even if it means “switching” with another night. I sort of understand that she wants a “night off” from helpers coming and going, but I believe it creates a void for her and she never seems to ever have any social plans for Saturday evenings. So it is the night she has time to let it all hang out – on me. I feel like I am going down with that ship.
Any suggestions? Please email me if you can.
Thank you very much.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thanks for sharing your story. Your mother may need help, but that doesn’t mean you can’t set some reasonable boundaries. My suggestions are:
– Read Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent: A guide for stressed out children. It offers a lot of insight into this kind of dynamic, and helpful suggestions as well. It will help you figure out what kinds of boundaries to set.
– Join a support group for people with aging parents. Plenty of people are struggling to balance helping a needy parent with resonable limits. You will get ideas and moral support from a group. The online caregiver forum at AgingCare.com is pretty active.
– Keep working with your sister to figure out what your mother truly needs vs what she wants, and how the two of you can help her.
Of course at age 85 it’s possible that her brain is also changing. If you’ve noticed other changes that make you concerned about her memory or thinking, then you and your sister will have to figure out how you can help her get evaluated.
Good luck!
Phil Allard says
This article/thread ive found to give me a sense that im not alone. My father who is almost 81 has struggled with a malady of health issues most of his life since starting with chrohn’s disease in 1953 having a good portion of large and small bowel removed. Was forced to be strapped to a bed for 2 weeks withdrawing from morphine after resection and healing from the inside out for the most part. No visitors were allowed not even his parents. He wakes up screaming all the time from this (PTSD). Doctors thought hed never make. Sent him home thinking theyd never see him again. He has had numerous health problems but somehow has managed to survive. Recent years has brought him a colostomy bag and dialsys. Eyesight diminishing. Neuropathy in the feet. Numerous surgeries. Thats his back story to be very brief.
Lately he has become very moody off and on. One day he can be pretty care free (for him) to saying my mother, his wife of 56 years (pediatric nurse in 50s 60s 70s) shes sabatoging things at him. That shes nagging him to take his medication or complaining. Purposely giving him wrong phone numbers. Little things to normal people, ie misunderstandings and such Are End of the world stuff too him. Now i can say my mother is the most loving caring person on the planet. She makes all his meals, takes care of him manages his medication and dr appointments with help from mysel and 3 sibblings. She assists me with his colostomy bag changes 3-4 times a week. My mother at 85 has always been a strong loving supporting women.
When i converse with my father when he gets in these moods. Its like hes describing WW3. I try and point out the loving relationship they have. That im envious that ill never find love that my mother and they share together. That what he sees as almost malicious behavior in her asking if hes taken meds (several meds 3-4 times daily) is her making sure he has what he needs daily. Ive tried to empathize with him when his moods strike. Ive tried rationalizing with him. Tried pointing out that little things (i acknowledge are big to him in the moment) should be taken in stride. Next day or so hes fine in a great mood. Professing his love for my mother. Credits her for the reason hes still alive today when doctors thought there was no shot at him living many times.
Im scared for him. Seeing him in these anger fits are becoming more threatening or violent towards himself. I cherish the days when he is all there even though they are riddled with chronic pain. The days when hes not really starting to rock me. He is/was the most efficient, anal, thorough and loving man/father ive ever come across. Watching him in these swings breaks my heart to the core and is starting to make me worry about my mother if he escalates.
Guess i need to consult his doctor about a geriatric psych consult.
Any suggestions would be appreciated.
Thank you for reading/listeningg.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
This does sound very difficult, sorry you are in this situation.
First off, you are doing a lot of things well but I would recommend you NOT rationalize or encourage him to take things in stride. It basically never works and can make things worse. Just empathize and do things that foster connection or otherwise help your father feel understood and heard.
Otherwise, it sounds like he needs a cognitive evaluation. I have just recently published an article on what this should entail: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.
Last but not least, I highly recommend you find yourself a support group. Online groups are often convenient, or you can find one in person. You are not alone and more importantly, you need the support of others to help you cope with the sorrow, grief, and frustration that often comes up when one is helping aging parents. Good luck!
Gabe says
Hi Leslie. First, thank you for the insight and help on this page in answering all these questions, very helpful and very kind. It’s difficult looking after an elderly parent. Here’s my situation which does ring similar to that of others. My mother is 83, widowed, and lives on her own. About 3 years ago, I moved her closer to me so I could be there for her if needed. She’s always been active and likes to get out of the house, but she doesn’t drive and doesn’t have the opportunity to get out as much because stores are not at walking distance. So, I’m her taxi or perhaps Uber, as today’s kids are using. To my point, ma thinks someone keeps doing things at night like knocking on her bedroom window at 3am, when she hears a sound (like the house settling) it must mean someone is throwing rocks at the house, shining a light into her window in the morning hours, she’s said she’s seen creatures in the dark, is paranoid her neighbor’s kids are harassing her and doing things to her house. She also misplaces things. And when she can’t find it, it must mean someone has broken into the house. She finds the most minute detail as a problem, a twig broken on her rose bush must mean someone came by and broke it or cut it. It’s come to the point where I have installed a wireless camera I can monitor 24×7. After being there about a year, I’ve not seen 1 instance of someone messing around her house. I believe it’s also important to note that she has behaved similarly where she used to live as well. And as far as I can remember. Otherwise, she’s very independent, lives with her 2 dogs and gets along very well. But she’s very good at finding the negative in everything. Keep in mind, she’s had a traumatic life and childhood, is a victim of WW2 where she experienced actual breaking in and negativity as a child refuge. So, in my mind, I often wonder if she has some sort of PTSD that has rolled over into her adulthood. I appreciate your insight.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear of your mother’s worries. You say she was like this where she was before, but it’s a little unclear to me whether this is an issue that has been getting worse over the past few years or not.
It IS quite common for older adults to develop new fears and suspicions, and this is often — but not always — associated with underlying changes to the brain. Some of what the brain does is manage and monitor our anxieties, so I think it’s plausible that as the brain weakens, any underlying fears related to prior life traumas could surface more easily.
I’m afraid I don’t have any suggestions beyond what is in the article: consider cognitive evaluation, reassure and avoid arguing, etc. The article on 6 causes of paranoia goes into possible causes in more depth. Good luck!
Rebecca says
Hi My mother is 75 and lives on her own. She is a very complicated person because she functions really well (takes good care of herself and her house, pets etc). She has been paranoid somewhat since I was a child but it is getting worse. It’s not enough though to have her evaluated and treated (she then just would deny everything and she seems okay when you first talk to her). She says things that are toxic and scary. Calls my husband and I sheep for not believing all the school shootings are fake, thinks certain people are demonic, says her neighbor beams into her house and steals things. It seems like slight dementia with narcissism laced into it. She lives out of state and I am afraid to have her visit and be around my kids alone because she says very scary things to them about radiation poisoning, people being satanists etc. However, I want a relationship but she is negative, stubborn, manipulative and honestly partially crazy. I saw that it’s not good to tell a “crazy” person that they are crazy…but when she is saying off the wall–hurtful things about our friends or other relatives–I feel like in this case, she is the exception. It’s like I still need to have boundaries regardless of her mental health condition…Any thoughts of how to handle this relationship? Like I said, she has tricked other doctors before and refuses to take any medicine. I have played the diplomat many times but my mother is a total narcissist and will actually try to ruin what she can of my happiness. Every vacation I have ever tried to go on, she has either said, I would die, the kids would die or she didn’t like the person I was going with. Help! I am stuck between a rock and a hard place with a toxic, aging, paranoid mother! Do I just hold my boundaries and let her say all these crazy, awful things (shouldn’t I be able to stand up to her?) and at what point do we need to step in and get care for my mom? How bad off does she need to be?
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Yikes, this sounds rough.
I would say that yes, it is reasonable to hold boundaries. And often, this means MINIMIZING situations in which she can say crazy awful things to you.
Generally, it’s possible to provide some help and support to an older parent in need while reducing one’s exposure to hurtful speech and behavior, it just takes some work and planning. And of course, limit-setting.
The book Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent has good advice on how to do this. That book also addresses how to resign yourself to not having the relationship that you’d like to have with your parent (because, it’s often just not possible).
If she says things that frighten or distress your children, then it’s probably worth limiting her contact with them.
In terms of what might be going on with her, if she’s always been difficult or paranoid, then common forms of brain change (such as delirium, medication side-effects, possible early dementia, etc) might make her worse, as you describe. A weakened brain has even less filters and self-control than before.
If she hasn’t been medically evaluated then that would be the next step, if you can manage it. Otherwise, it’s difficult to help someone who is impaired but resistant…it sometimes requires either getting legal help or waiting for a full blown crisis. Adult protective services sometimes steps in, but usually not until things have gotten really really bad.
Good luck!
Abdihakim Ali says
My mother is 71 years Old, she lost her sight 7 years ago causing of Glaucoma, I have seen her high temper, complaining and suspicious and she can not trust anyone of her family but she might trust with her friends and neighbors, I am taking care of her and I can’t handle with such behavior .
My question is how to deal with her, I want keep continuing of caring her.
We are in Somalia
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear of your difficulties with your mother. If her suspiciousness is new compared to a few years ago and if it’s getting worse, then I would recommend having her see a doctor so that she can be checked for medical problems that cause paranoia. You can learn more about those here:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.
Otherwise, just keep in mind that it is generally not possible to reason an older person out of their suspicious thoughts. If she is more willing to accept help from friends, you can try to provide more care through them (if possible).
It is of course very difficult and stressful to have a parent behaving in this way. I would recommend finding a support group. If her memory and thinking is getting worse and you have reason to believe it might be dementia (or if she is diagnosed with this condition), I would recommend reading a book or taking a course, so that you can learn better ways to cope with these challenging behaviors. Surviving Alzheimer’s is a book I recommend, since it has lots of practical suggestions to help with these kinds of situations.
Good luck!
Maziar says
my mother is 61, she lives in Iran, she lives away from all her 4 children, my father left her. she lives in an apartment that I manage for her, she lives with her youngest brother, 55,single and never married. him and a housekeeper lady that I hired are giving care to her. she is sick, far as I recall she has always have been depressed and she cried, and she went to doctors, took peels and over and over, the most heavy peels for depression, she was hospitalized many times, she was given ECT at least two times in the past 3 years. it has been a year she rarely moves and if she does she loses her balance and falls, and she cant control her urinary so she has to wear diapers and I just found out that she is diagnosed with Parkinson. she is in a very bad shape and I dont know how I can help to improve this situation and give her more comfort. what bothers me the most is that she cant decide, ( then I think to myself of course she could not decide with all her problems then I am not sure again… I have never been that weak, ) and I cant decide for her because of my own many weakness, I am not very stable financially and she is very poor physically and mentally plus I just got married and my wife came to US 15 months ago.
I wouldn’t have all my brother’s support if I initiated her move to US, they probably would say no at the beginning but I know my younger brothers will support as of her arrival. my oldest brother has problems himself.
she cries and she cries, missing her children, she is in a big mess and she needs help. I feel very bad every time I hear her voice and I’d like to hear of your opinion on what to do is best, or whats the best I can do. thank you
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear of your mother’s difficult situation. I don’t know much about what kind of medical care and social services she would be able to get, if you were to find a way to help her legally move here.
But I will say that if she’s been unhappy and depressive her whole life, it’s probably not realistic to expect that anything you do will make her “happy.” This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try to help her and even people who complain and chronically act very unhappy do benefit from being in contact with family and feeling that their family cares about them.
It also sounds like she has significant chronic health problems and these would likely persist if she moved here.
It’s impossible for me to offer an opinion on what you should do, I would just say that someone like her seems likely to continue to have many of the same complaints and problems if you move her, plus you say you aren’t stable financially so you might find it hard to address her care needs in this country.
You might find it helpful to read the book “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent“, you can probably get it from your local library. The authors have good advice on setting realistic expectations for what you can make better, when it comes to an older parent. Good luck!