Better Health While Aging

Practical information for aging health & family caregivers

Financial Exploitation in Aging: What to Know & What to Do

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Here’s an upsetting situation that comes up a lot, and may have come up for you: is someone financially taking advantage of Mom or Dad?

It’s a pretty legitimate concern to have. To begin with, most people know that there are plenty of “scammers” out there, phoning or mailing older adults with deceptive information designed to hoodwink them out of some of their savings.

But there’s actually another form of exploitation that may be more common, and is often harder for families to address.

That would be exploitation perpetrated by a someone the older person knows and has a personal relationship with.

Sometimes the person suspected of exploitation is relatively new to the older person’s life, such as a new romantic interest, friend, or paid caregiver.

In other cases, family members become concerned that someone in the family – such as one of the older person’s children – is beginning to take financial advantage of things.

Exploitation in the context of personal relationships is often especially tricky for families to address. The older person may be quite attached to – or otherwise feel dependent on – the person that others perceive as suspicious or problematic. Or there may be concerns about stirring up family dramas and conflicts, by voicing concerns about a sibling or another relative.

People are often unsure of what exactly constitutes illegal activity, and what can be done if they are concerned about financial exploitation.

So in this article, I’ll cover the key things you should know, so that you can better evaluate and address a worrisome situation, should one arise.

Specifically, in this article I’ll explain:

  • Key terms to know, related to the financial exploitation of older adults
  • Some common examples of financial abuse
  • How to know if an older person is at risk, or otherwise particularly vulnerable to exploitation
  • What to do, if you suspect financial exploitation of an older adult
  • How to reduce the risk of being financially exploited

I’ll also share a list of additional resources and references at the end.

Key terms to know

The financial exploitation of older adults is also known as “financial abuse.” It is considered a type of elder abuse. It may occur simultaneously with other forms of abuse, such as neglect, emotional abuse, or physical abuse.

It’s important to know that although there is some federal involvement in addressing elder abuse, the definition of what exactly constitutes elder abuse or financial abuse is mainly determined by state law. (Find your relevant local statutes here: State Elder Abuse Statutes.)

Still, here are some useful general definitions:

Definition of Elder Abuse (per the CDC): “Elder abuse is an intentional act, or failure to act, by a caregiver or another person in a relationship involving an expectation of trust that causes or creates a risk of harm to an older adult.”

Definition of Financial Abuse or Exploitation (per the CDC): “The illegal, unauthorized, or improper use of an older individual’s resources by a caregiver or other person in a trusting relationship, for the benefit of someone other than the older individual.

This includes depriving an older person of rightful access to, information about, or use of, personal benefits, resources, belongings, or assets.

Examples include forgery, misuse or theft of money or possessions; use of coercion or deception to surrender finances or property; or improper use of guardianship or power of attorney.”

State laws include criminal law statues and civil law statues. Financial abuse is often addressed in both types of statutes. Criminal activity can be investigated by law enforcement, but illegal activity that falls under civil statutes generally isn’t.

The role of “undue influence”

Another term that is important to understand is “undue influence.” Basically, we are all influenced by people we have relationships with, and this can affect the way we choose to spend our money or share our assets.

But was this influence “undue,” or otherwise “improper”? Families or others sometimes worry that an older person has been inappropriately pressured or manipulated, or perhaps taken advantage of due to memory problems or a dependent situation.

Such “inappropriate” influence can be called “undue influence.” It’s an important concept to understand for two reasons.

First of all, it’s through such manipulative interpersonal dynamics that perpetrators are often able to commit financial abuse. Second, it’s a term that is often used in state laws related to elder abuse, or sometimes to statutes related to guardianship issues.

Here is a general definition, followed by California’s definition (which was just revised in 2014):

Definition of Undue Influence (per the American Bar Association & National Center on Law and Elder Rights): “When people use their role and power to exploit the trust, dependency, and fear of others. They use this power to deceptively gain control over the decision-making of the second person.”

Definition of Undue Influence (per California State Law): “Excessive persuasion that causes another person to act or refrain from acting by overcoming that person’s free will and results in inequity.”

California’s statute goes on to specify four criteria which should be considered when determining whether a result was produced by undue influence. These include:

  • The victim’s vulnerability,
  • The factors that created authority or power for the influencer (e.g. being a necessary care provider),
  • The actions or tactics used by the influencer (which might include controlling access to others or to life necessities),
  • The “equity of the result” (e.g. economic consequences to the victim, divergence from the victim’s prior intent, etc).

To summarize: financial exploitation is a subset of elder abuse, and basically means inappropriately using an older person’s financial resources, for the benefit of someone other than the older person.

Such exploitation is often – but not always — facilitated by the perpetrator using “undue influence,” in which they create some kind of manipulative dynamic that allows them to take advantage of the older person.

Examples of financial abuse

Unfortunately, there many different ways to financially exploit an older adult. It’s not possible to list them all, so instead, I’ll share two common categories to keep in mind, along with some examples.

One way to think about financial abuse is to categorize perpetrators as “predators” versus “opportunists.”

“Predators” are individuals who purposefully seek out vulnerable older adults (or sometimes any adult), with the intent to defraud them or otherwise financially exploit them. Examples of this kind of financial abuse include:

  • Telemarketing or other forms of phone scams
  • Lottery scams
  • Homeowner/reverse mortgage scams
  • Email/phishing scams
  • Imposter scams, in which someone impersonates a grandchild or other relative and says they urgently need money wired to get out of trouble

The perpetrators of predatory financial abuse do sometimes work for several days — or longer — to establish a relationship with a vulnerable older person. This New Yorker article describes the way one 89-year old woman was persuaded to send large sums of money to a scammer, after he spent a week telephoning her and led her to believe he’d become a “friend.”

For more on common predatory scams affecting older adults, see Top 5 Financial Scams Targeting Seniors, from the National Council on Aging.

Whereas “predators” are purposefully out to defraud or exploit others, “opportunists” are those who end up financially exploiting an older person because…well, the opportunity arose, usually due to a relationship between the older person and the one who ends up exploiting the situation. Examples of this type of financial abuse might include:

  • Using an older parent’s ATM card without their permission
  • Forging or misusing an older person’s checks
  • Using the authority granted by a power of attorney to use the older person’s funds for one’s own needs
  • Pressuring an older parent into paying expenses for oneself or for someone else

Such “opportunistic” abuse can be committed by family members, paid in-home care providers, or even trusted people outside the home, such as financial advisors or spiritual advisors.

Financial abuse is also sometimes committed by newer friends or romantic interests, who may take advantage of a lonely older person’s generosity or interest in maintaining the relationship. Some such new romantic interests appear to be “predators” who actually seek out vulnerable targets, whereas others seem to be “opportunists.” (Of course, suspicion or resentment of an older person’s new relationship does not always mean that abuse or even manipulative situations are occurring.)

The difficulty, of course, with these examples is that plenty of common situations may fall into gray areas.

If an adult child is living with and perhaps assisting an older parent, and the parent seems appreciative and wants to give that child extra money, is that exploitation? Or just a natural expression of appreciation?

If an older woman gets re-married late in life and agrees to send large sums of money to her new husband’s adult child, is that exploitation? Or just her exercising her autonomy and right to give money to whomever she chooses?

If your older father has made your sister, who lives near him, a joint owner on his bank account, and your sister starts using money from that account to cover what she says are her expenses in assisting your father, is that legit?

It’s easy to see how different people may have different perspectives on such a situation. Although in some cases it may seem quite clear that what happened is financial abuse of an older person, other situations will be murkier and will be challenging to sort out.

How to know if someone is at risk

One of the biggest risk factors for financial abuse is having some form of cognitive impairment, whether mild or more substantial such as Alzheimer’s disease or a related dementia.

Obviously, having problems with memory or other aspects of thinking makes one more vulnerable to deceit and misuse of one’s funds.

That said, it’s critical to realize that even “mentally sharp” older adults can easily fall prey to financial exploitation. That’s because plenty of factors other than memory play a role in making an older person vulnerable.

Here are some of the key factors that increase the risk of exploitation:

  • Loneliness. Lonely older adults more likely to be receptive to the overtures of a financial predator. They may also be more susceptible to manipulation by a family member or opportunist.
  • Isolation. When older adults are isolated, there may be fewer family or friends around to notice a suspicious situation and intervene. Isolated older adults are also often lonely.
  • Poor physical health and needing assistance with daily tasks. This is associated with being dependent on others, and such dependency can create the opportunity for exploitation.
  • Age-associated brain changes make people more trusting as they get older. Research has shown that as people age, they tend to become more optimistic and more trusting. This can help older adults become happier as they get older, but may well be part of why many of them can be financially exploited by scams.
  • Cognitive impairment. Again, this is not necessary for financial exploitation to happen, but it can certainly facilitate it. Also, if an older person previously completed a durable power of attorney (POA) document, the agent of an impaired person can easily abuse the POA and mismanage funds for their own benefit.

Although one might assume that it’s mainly wealthy older adults that get financially abused, one research study found that poverty was associated with financial exploitation too.

In short, financial exploitation can happen to almost any older adult, but being lonely, isolated, and/or dependent on others makes an older person especially vulnerable. Cognitive impairment also increases the risk of financial exploitation.

What to do, if you suspect the financial exploitation of an older adult

If you suspect that your older parent — or another older person — is being financially exploited, it’s important to take action.

According to the National Adult Protective Services Association, signs of potential financial abuse include:

  • Termination of vital utilities such as telephone, water, electricity / gas, or garbage
  • Unpaid bills and liabilities despite adequate income
  • Oversight of finances surrendered to others without explanation or consent
  • Transferring assets to new “friends” assisting with finances
  • Checks written to “Cash”
  • Does not understand his/her current finances, offers improbable explanations
  • Unexplained disappearance of cash, valuable objects, financial statements
  • Unexplained or unauthorized changes to wills or other estate documents
  • Giving-away money or spending promiscuously
  • Appearance of property liens or foreclosure notices

In general, any and all forms of elder abuse — including financial abuse — should be reported to your local Adult Protective Services (APS) office. (More on APS below.) You can use the Eldercare locator online to find your local APS office.

But there are also other actions you can consider taking. Exactly what to do will depend somewhat on the circumstances, the evidence you have found so far, the older person’s relationship with the perpetrator, and your relationship with the older person.

Here are some steps to consider taking:

  • Talk to the older person. Before telling an older person what to do or not do — or otherwise swooping in to help — it’s always a good idea to try to talk and get a sense of how they see the situation. This helps older adults feel heard and understood, which may then make it easier for them to accept your assistance, if it becomes necessary.
  • Gather more information or evidence as to what is occurring. To the best of your ability, try to make sure you have information to confirm your concerns or suspicions. Talk to other family members as well, if possible, so that the family can coordinate their efforts to investigate and intervene.
  • Contact the older person’s financial institution. They may or may not be able to divulge details to you, but newer rules are making it easier for them to refuse or stop disbursements if there is suspicion of financial abuse. Congress also passed a “Senior Safe Act” in 2018, to empower financial professionals to act.
  • Contact your local Adult Protective Services (APS) office. APS offices are designed to help investigate allegations of abuse. For more on how APS helps and what happens when a report is made, see here: Fact Sheet: Adult Protective Services.
  • Contact law enforcement. This is especially important if you suspect fraud, theft, scams, or other criminal activity. Your local police department or sheriff’s office is generally a good place to start. Your local APS office should also be able to tell you which law enforcement agency to contact with your specific concerns.

The US Department of Justice’s Elder Justice Initiative also maintains a handy “Report Abuse” page, which includes an interactive “roadmap” questionnaire to help you identify specific authorities to which you can report financial abuse: Find Help or Report Abuse.

Most states also require individuals in certain positions to report suspected elder abuse, including financial exploitation. Health providers are often mandated reporters, and in some states, financial professionals are as well.

Of course, you are likely to be facing one or more of the following challenges:

  • The older person may resist your concern or attempts to intervene, feeling that you are infringing on her autonomy or implying that he isn’t capable of taking care of his finances.
    • Try to be as supportive and respectful as possible, as you express concerns. Use better communication approaches, such as using “I” messages and making sure the older person feels heard and understood.
  • If you don’t have an active power of attorney or another way to access the older person’s financial information, it can be hard to determine what is going on, and intervene to stop problematic disbursements.
    • You should still express your concerns to the older person’s bank or financial institution. As noted above, new rules are being implemented to enable financial professionals to intervene or at least place holds on disbursements, when financial exploitation is suspected.
    • In a few states, financial professionals are mandated to report suspected financial abuse. Check your local elder abuse statutes (or Google) to find out who is a mandated reporter in your state.
  • The suspected perpetrator may be restricting access to the older person, by refusing to let others talk to the older person on the phone, or visit.
    • If you really are concerned about financial exploitation or other elder abuse, you should call Adult Protective Services so that they can investigate. They will not disclose the name of the reporting party to the older person or suspected perpetrator.
    • If you’re not quite ready to call APS, try voicing your concerns to other individuals who may still have access to the older person, such a health provider or a clergy member. They might be able to encourage more communication to resolve conflicts. Your concern might also prompt them to look into a worrisome situation.
    • For more assistance, consider contacting a civil elder law attorney.

In short, if you suspect that an older person is being financially exploited, what’s most important is to do something.

Be as respectful as possible of the older person’s feelings and autonomy, but do try to find out more, try to delay any spending if possible, and report your concerns to the appropriate authorities.

In general, Adult Protective Services (APS) is the key social service agency to call, when you suspect financial abuse or any other kind of elder abuse. That said, APS offices are locally operated, so different agencies may take slightly different approaches to investigating concerns.

If you are not sure whether certain activity constitutes financial elder abuse, check your local state statutes, and/or consult an attorney.

How to reduce the risk of financial exploitation in aging

As is often the case, when it comes to financial exploitation, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

The challenge, however, is that taking steps to reduce the chance of exploitation often requires older adults to do two things that most find difficult.

  1. Realize that they are at risk. This is tough because most of us have trouble imagining a time when we might become vulnerable, gullible, or cognitively impaired. It can be distressing to think about, plus the known age-associated tendency towards optimism makes it even harder to imagine such situation.
  2. Consider giving up some privacy and autonomy. Basically, to reduce the risk of financial exploitation, you have to be willing to do things like letting others periodically review your financial activity, and under some circumstances, overriding what you are trying to do.

Understandably, many people are reluctant to give others the ability to review their decisions and intervene in their autonomy.

Still, such sacrifices are probably necessary, to significantly reduce one’s risk. And if done carefully and thoughtfully, it should be possible to still help an older person maintain some privacy, dignity, and autonomy.

Here are a few specific steps to consider, to reduce the risk of financial exploitation:

  • Simplify your finances, so that there are fewer accounts to oversee or regularly review.
  • Authorize each of your financial institutions to contact 1-2 trusted individuals (such as an adult child or one’s agent designated in a durable power of attorney), in case of suspicious financial activity.
  • Develop some method of allowing your trusted individuals to review your financial activity. Options include:
    • Giving them online access to your accounts, so that they log in and review as needed.
    • Scheduling regular reviews of your assets and spending. This can be a good way to keep your financial power of attorney agent in the loop, so that he or she is well-prepared to step in should you become ill or disabled.
  • Learn about common ways that older adults are scammed by strangers, such as lottery scams, imposter scams, and other common predatory attempts. Be careful about establishing phone or email communications with strangers, especially if they bring up anything financial.
  • Draft your financial power of attorney (POA) document in a way that reduces the risk of abuse. A 2023 PDF from the American Bar Association describes some options, which include:
    • Require periodic accounting to a third party.
    • Require a second signature for large transactions.
    • Grant the power to revoke to a trusted third party.

Professionals such as one’s financial advisor or an attorney (preferably one experienced with age-related legal issues) can also help advise as to the best way to protect oneself and thoughtfully empower others to intervene if it seems warranted.

Last but not least, I would recommend embarking on a series of “planning ahead just in case” conversations with one’s family or close friends.

Just as we recommend that older adults talk to family about what kind of medical care they would want, if too ill to decide, we should also encourage people to talk about how their family could intervene, if they get worried about potential financial exploitation.

Helpful Resources 

Here are some of the resources I found especially helpful, in researching this article:

I also learned a lot from interviewing attorney Candace Heisler, JD, who is a nationally recognized expert on the prosecution of elder abuse. Listen to the podcast episode here:

070 – Interview: Addressing & Preventing Financial Exploitation in Aging

Remember, financial exploitation is common and can happen even to older adults who are “mentally sharp.”

So if you’re concerned about possible financial abuse, please take action, either by investigating further or by taking one of the other steps I describe above. If ever in doubt, Adult Protective Services can help you think through your next steps.

And don’t forget: if you’re an older adult, take sensible steps to reduce the risk of financial abuse. Your aging brain will optimistically think it can’t happen to you. But it could, because it happens to lots of older people!

So, be proactive and take steps to allow others to help if it becomes necessary. This will make things easier for your family, should a concerning situation arise, and can help protect your money so that it does what it should do, which is be there for YOU.

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Comments

  1. My Ex partner of 20 years is nearly 72 and a woman 30 years his junior is financially abusing him. So far this year he has transferred $20k to her and pays for her business and other activities. He lives in Canada and she in California. He is the typical lonely old man who lives with his mother.

    I find this type of financial abuse seriously sad and wish there was something that could be done to stop her.

    • It’s kind of you to be concerned about your ex-partner’s potential exploitation. It’s possible that he’s being taken advantage of, but may be giving this person money of his own free will, although misguided.

      This is a common scenario and often there’s not much that a friend can do, unless this person is part of a criminal fraud syndicate, in which case you could contact the police. I hope it works out.

  2. I have a question I have a friend who is older, and I took care of his mom till she passed, and we are very good friends he spends holidays with us and I help him with his medical issues and make sure he is ok and help him with different things as I am a nurse and he is alone and I feel bad that he has no family left he does have some friends that he gets together with but they don’t really help him with anything and he is very eccentric to say the least and he does occasionally give my family money although I don’t ask for its quite the opposite but he always says it payment for all of the things I do for him but someone called area on aging and per him it was about him giving me money and i did speak to them and explained the situation i mean weve been close for like 15 years that was like two years ago but then again recently someone must have called again but he is also a avid hoarder which I have been trying to empty out his surroundings for him for years and he just keeps giving me excuses he has let me clean up some rooms but they’re a mess again in a few days. He is moving into a apt so maybe that will force him to stop hoarding but my question is I guess am I doing something wrong he is competent I’ve never stolen a thing from him or forced him to give us anything he chooses to do so but i am surely not going to be accused of such things either I will stop talking to him and helping if this is not allowed I guess I don’t understand what exactly is the problem any advice

    • You sound like great friend and it also sounds like the money he’s given you is typical of friends helping each other out and showing gratitude.

      If your friend is competent, and is giving you money of his own accord, then there should be no reason for social agencies to act. Sometimes getting it in writing is a good idea, so if he gives you any more money, perhaps get a witness or give him a receipt to mitigate any questions that come up.

  3. I’m a young senior 68yrs have been financially ripped off, and false accusations said.made homeless, now renting an apartment that has been having me living in horrific condition, I can’t find legal help been in this situation for 5yrs. PLEASE DIRECT ME SINCERELY

    • I’m so sorry to hear about your difficulties and it does sound like a lawyer would be the best professional to help you.

      Often, legal aid is available for those who can’t afford it, and if that’s not a good fit, they can probably direct you to the right place. IN your area, try: https://philalegal.org/

  4. True APS is there n you can report it but it does no good if the parent protects the perpetrator. My mom took in a homeless man n disowned her family over him n there is nothing we can do to get him out of the house if she wants him there. And she lies for him all the time because doesn’t want to get him in trouble. She doesn’t view him as a criminal even though she ran up a huge bill buying him things she cannot afford on a department store credit card that she has no way of paying. There’s also been reports from other family members that he leaves her without food n she has lost alot of weight since she’s had him there. That’s the way it is in the state of Arizona APS will not do anything to help the family if your parent refuses to press charges n refuses to claim she or he is being exploited ?! Very sad for the family great for homeless people who don’t think twice or have a problem taking advantage .

    • I’m sorry to hear about your mom. If she’s capable of deciding to open her home to this man, then you’re probably right that there’s nothing anyone else can do, other than be supportive and let your mom know you’re there for her if she does decide to make a change.

  5. We are currently going through a situation where we believe someone is manipulating our uncle. He lives in isolation on the family farm in a small town. Some people moved into the area and were working in town government. They befriended my uncle and before long convinced him to sell him the farm that’s been in our family for 6 generations for almost nothing. They told him he could live there until he dies, but they have been slowly taking all our family heirlooms away. When we came to visit to ask him to sell it back to us he was only interested in getting the land we owned that neighbors the farm . When we went to take some of our things with us that we had permission from our uncle to take he freaked out and said we weren’t allowed to take anything. He seems to believe he owns everything that belongs to my uncle even though that wasn’t the agreement. He specifically asked my uncle not to tell anyone what he paid for it (because he robbed him). We are concerned for our uncle living there alone under their influence. Half of the money they paid for the farm went into an account to cover my uncles rent and the taxes and any repairs needed while he’s still live. It doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know if we have a legal leg to stand on, but we don’t think this man should be doing what he has been. My uncle is very I’ll and living on oxygen spending most of the day sitting down. Needless to say we are scared for him.

  6. Thank you so much for this article! It helped me down off a ledge today.

    My grandson’s wife calls me consistently pressuring me for money, ostensibly on his behalf. A couple of weeks ago, I gave her $750 to reimburse her for a printer she paid for, for my grandson, and extra money just because they are without work and living in an extended stay motel. My grandson is 22 and she is 50-something, from Jamaica. I don’t understand the marriage, but it is not for me to judge. My grandson and I used to be very close, he spending summers with us every year while he was growing up. We provided for much of his material needs growing up, too, as his father didn’t have much money. Now, it seems his wife thinks of us as an unending money source and is constantly haranguing us for more and more. This last time, yesterday, she told me I hadn’t paid my grandson enough for a job he did for me, this despite the fact that my grandson wouldn’t name a price. I proposed a “job” price that I thought was reasonable and in accordance with what my research found online. Now she calls me and yells at me that I need to send him more money because the job took twice what he anticipated. The call devolved into a “F— you, you are the kind of woman I despise” kind of tirade against me, and she hung up on me. The thing is, hers is the only phone, so I cannot reach my grandson without her. She constantly talks about “leverage” and how my grandson doesn’t have any, so it’s up to the grandparents to provide it. He wants to start a business and she is pressuring us to bank roll it. I am fed up but don’t want to lose the relationship with my grandson. I feel like I am being manipulated and access to my grandson is being threatened. She has a phd and is not working. He is not working and barely made it out of high school with solid Ds and Fs. It seems they/she expect us to bank roll them, and I honestly don’t know how to deal with it. I hate feeling like a mark. We are retired. We worked hard our entire lives, lived below our means so that we could save and retire without worries. It’s not that we don’t have money to spare, it’s that we resent this kind of coercion from my granddaughter-in-law, who is nearly my age. They are two able-bodied people who could get jobs but who apparently choose not to.

    Bottom line is that I feel like I will never see my grandson again and won’t be able to talk to him, since I have to call him on her phone, unless I give him more money. I am sickened inside by my phone call with her yesterday and the shouting match that ensued.

    Thank you for letting me vent.

    • Hello Helen, and thanks for sharing what sounds like a heartbreaking situation.

      You seem to have excellent insight into what’s going on, which does sound like emotional manipulation and attempted financial exploitation. I’m not an expert in financial planning, but it might be worth getting a professional involved to interface between you and your grandson. A lawyer or financial expert might be able to help you set boundaries, so that you can still help while minimizing the risk to your savings.

      The AARP website has a good article about setting boundaries when lending money, and you can read it here: https://www.aarp.org/money/credit-loans-debt/info-2015/loans-and-personal-finance-tips.html

      I’m glad you had a chance to vent and I hope things improve!

  7. I am a senior living on a tiny pension. I have just been bullied and intimidated by a lawyer and likely will lose my house and retirement. I cant afford a lawyer and my house is paid off. The equity in my house was the only reason he went after me. I called over 20 agencies to help me but nobody would. This abuse at its worst. Allegations were made up and I didnt have a lawyer so the judge awarded him a judgement of 1.8 million dollars against me. This is a crime to take everything a person has because they cant afford a lawyer.

  8. I appreciate the article. I read most of the comments, not all.

    The article is timeous for me because I feel lonely even though my extremely busy daughter lives and works not far from my home (4o minutes drive) .

    There is an online friend I befriended who exhibits traits of undue influence, financial abuser.

    I thought I was judgmental but after reading this useful and relevant article I am comfortable that my online ” friend” is best kept a safe distance away from my finances and self.

    I’m an African American living overseas for 30 years. I’m preparing to return, permanently, to the States.
    I am divorced over 25 years. I’m selling my home here overseas and all my other assets.

    My busy daughter ( Covid work demands), born overseas, will be accompanying me back to the States. Albeit she’s going to further her Specialist Medical Studies in Maryland. I’ll be in Iowa. Alone.

    I have to search for a home to purchase for the elderly ( although I don’t feel elderly at 71 – seventy one-) in Des Moines, IA.

    I’d appreciate any credible leads. I’m leaving overseas for the States end of 2022.

    • Glad you found the article to be timely and helpful, Lenn!

      It sounds like you have a big transition to make, and I don’t know too much about what Des Moines, Iowa has to offer an older adult in terms of retirement living.

      A real estate agent might be able to give you a sense of what communities are best for an older adult, but you’re the only one who can decide if you’re ready for a retirement home, or your own place. The American Association for Retired Persons website has quite a few articles about moving and downsizing as well.

      Best of luck to you and your daughter!

  9. We grew up with a very loving mom and dad, even though my dad was more strict, but my mom wore the pants. My mom was very educated and super smart. They worked hard to be able to have a good retirement.

    It all started a year ago, during this pandemic. Our dad was put on in-home hospice and my mom wanted to take care of him, from their home. What we thought would be a short time, has turned into a long time for all of us. Yes, he is dying slowly, but surely.

    My mom decided to get hooked by a romantic love scam during these lonely nights, by someone acting to be famous and lives outside the USA.
    She spent months with this person, but he hadn’t asked for money, as he is rich and famous. Within the past 8mos. of him building this “lie” and deceiving her, we knew he would eventually ask. In the mean time (about 2mos. ago from today), my mom gets another phishing scam, that told her she was in trouble with computer stuff and identity theft. It was like the Amazon, Microsoft, Norton scams. After a long week and over $10,000 later, she realized it was a scam and told us. She was sending gift cards to that scam and we said, when do you ever pay bills with gift cards. All during that scam, she ,say she was in trouble, BUT SHE WAS HANDLING IT. Again, it turned into $10,000 later. We just knew the romantic scam would eventually hit.

    Now, as of a week ago, she sat us all down and told us her famous person is coming to live with her in the deep woods of Alabama. We said why would this rich famous person want to live in the deep south, when he has a mansion on the beach in a beautiful country. She says because they are in love and he would drop everything for he. He played off the last few months that he had to go to prison, because of something he did a long time ago. They gave him 5 years, but are willing to let him go for $75,000. He is playing the media doesn’t know he is in prison. His lawyer (wink, wink) calls and emails my mom to set up the payment. She is refi. her house to get the money out, so we still have like 20 days until this happens. In the mean time, we are trying to wake her up, but she has turned on all of us and tells us, it’s just money.

    People ask all the time what have we done to try to wake her up. #1, he will never show a live feed, even though he has a smart phone in prison (we know this scammer is not in prison). We tell he she is believing someone ear to ear, not eye to eye. He always has an excuse, then he sends her a selfie. In which I take the real famous person and send her a selfie of him and even put dates and sayings on the selfie we send and then we tell her how easy that is done. He tells her he can see her live, once he is out of prison. We then told her we would bring the money to him, to get him out. He shot that down by telling her he is a man and does not need us sons (men) to get him out, but my mom can come to him. He knows she won’t travel, let alone out of the country.

    We love our mom and I do believe in honor your mother and father, but it’s not honoring when we are watching he and trying everything to stop this insanity she is believing in. We have done anything and everything one can think of and we still can not stop it. YES, my brother is POA, but until they deem my mom incompetent (which they won’t), which we tried, then there is nothing we can do.
    If anyone is in this type of situation, then we feel for you and pray like you never have before, because it’s a long road and eventually you too will need to realize that you have to live your life as well and it is better to take away the poison that was distilled by this very person you love.

    For us, we will still talk to her, look somewhat after her and still be there for my dad. The scam part, we don’t want to hear anything else about it, as we now tell he that can be her secret life and when she is broke and dad is gone, we will make sure she is fed and a roof is over her head, but far as broke, NO you do not get our money to do things, buy take out, go on trips and so fourth.
    We would never guessed in a million years that my mom would fall for this such of thing. It is truly sick!

    Since she has no onset of losing cognitive thinking, then this means she went 100%be stupid and this will be what we are left to think about at the end of her life. Our mom turned stupid!!!

    • I’m so sorry your family has had this experience, but I did edit your comment somewhat to make it easier to read.

      I think using the word “stupid” is a bit harsh, although I understand your feelings of frustration. Many intelligent and assertive people fall for “sweetheart scammers” and other fraudsters over the internet. The unscrupulous scammers prey on the emotional vulnerability of single women and men in their later years.

      I’m glad that you report an ongoing relationship with your mom, and she will certainly need you to help her pick up the pieces in the end. I would be interested to know if there’s anything a lawyer could do to untangle this web and protect what assets are left for your mom and dad.

      Again, I wish I had some advice that would help in this situation and I feel for you all.

  10. I became concerned that my 80 year old father-in-law, who had stage iv lung cancer, was being financially exploited by his “girlfriend” a few weeks ago, after witnessing her being overbearing and screaming demands to sell property to her, and physically isolating him. When I finally had a chance to visit with him alone I asked him how he felt about selling his home of 45 years and moving in with his girlfriend. he really did not understand why it was necessary to do it on such a rush basis but was going along with her in order to maintain peace. he and I had talked previously and he reconfirmed that it was his desire to die in his own home when the time came.

    I became concerned after witnessing his girlfriend giving away personal property of his, literally right behind his back, and witnessing her outburst at him and myself and my husband on several occasions. I made a report to our APS office, hoping that they would be able to visit with him privately and let him know that he had a voice in what was going on. The investigator showed up the next week at the girlfriend’s house and left a card with her information on it at the door because no one was home. The girlfriend had taken my father-in-law to the hospital, where he stayed for a couple of days, until they released him on hospice care. Sadly we got a call about 4 hours after saying good night that my father-in-law had died.

    My husband and I rushed over to the girlfriend’s house and were greeted by local police who had secured the house as a crime scene. My father-in-law was found lying on the bathroom floor and the paramedics believe he had a massive heart attack and died before he hit the ground. The girlfriend told us she had given him two Benadryl, and taken some herself to help them sleep. 2 hours later she was awakened by his dog and discovered him on the floor. The girlfriend has produced a will that was very poorly written and dated less than 30 days prior to his death. That will gave his estate to his two children, named the girlfriend as executor and trustee (of a very peculiar trust to be established for my husband), and named my father-in-laws brother as alternate for both. While at the funeral home making the final arrangements, the girlfriend announced she was keeping all of the money in my father-in-law’s accounts for herself. My sister-in-law has been amazingly agreeable to everything the girlfriend has stated, and the rest of the family is shocked and devastated and just not sure where to turn for help.

    Since my father-in-law is now deceased, it seems the APS investigation will not move forward as APS does not involve itself and what they consider to be family matters. I am wondering if this is something we should report to local law enforcement for consideration? None of us in this family can afford the expense of attorneys to handle such a complex case that involves such a relatively small amount of money. Does anyone in our family have a right to question the girlfriend’s actions under the power of attorney, by demanding an accounting of how she spent his accounts both before he died and after? Any suggestions you may offer would be most appreciated. Thank you for publishing this article. It gave me some sense of peace knowing that I did the right thing by calling APS a few weeks ago. I only wish it had been in time to help and to remind my father-in-law that he had a voice even up until the very end. I pray that someone else finds this article at the right time in their life, and utilizes the help referenced.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss and for the awful situation you describe. Thank you so much for letting us know that the article was helpful to you, and I do hope that others find the information to be timely and useful as well.

      I don’t have a background in law or law enforcement, so I’m not sure what the chances are of a criminal investigation here. You mention that the house was taped off as a crime scene, so perhaps finding out if there has been any follow up investigation would be a place to start.

      Unfortunately, it often requires lawyers and legal expenses to sort out an issue like the one you describe. When selling the house, though, there would have been interaction with a lawyer and banker, and I wonder if those professionals had a sense of whether your dad was being coerced or was making a decision on his own?

      Again, I’m so sorry that your dad has passed and I hope you find a peaceful resolution as a family.

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