Dear Dr. K,
Any ideas on how I can relieve my mother’s anxiety about her thinking an animal got in the house? I can’t find anything and have moved the couches but she is convinced and scared.
She’s always been a worrier, plus her thinking has been deteriorating and her vision is impaired a bit. I take care of her and my Dad both 94. She gets upset if I tell her I think she just thought she was seeing something and says I think she is crazy. Last night she woke me up shaking and practically in tears because she thought she saw it again -I offered for her to come sleep with me but she wouldn’t. Any suggestions? — C.S.
Thanks so much for sending in this question. This is a very common complaint I hear from family caregivers, so I am happy to share some thoughts about what might be going on and what you can do.
Now, I can’t say for sure what is going on with your mother. That’s because she’s not my patient, and I’m not in a position to interview her and examine her.
What I can say, however, is that it’s very common for older adults to develop persisting fears, worries, and complaints that often strike their family members as irrational, paranoid, absurd, or ridiculous.
Why is this?
Among my own patients, I’ve found this is often related to underlying cognitive impairment. Meaning, a problem with memory or thinking that hasn’t yet been fully diagnosed by doctors. In some cases, this kind of complaint ends up being one of the very earliest signs of clinical dementia.
Lewy-Body dementia, in particular, is associated with visual hallucinations. But any process causing brain deterioration (Alzheimer’s, vascular dementia, etc.) can result in anxieties spiraling out of control, or persisting strange beliefs.
That said, it’s quite possible for an aging person to express such fears and not have it be dementia. Maybe there really is an animal in the house, or a person stealing your parent’s things. It’s also possible for people to develop confusion or false beliefs due a problem other than dementia, such as mental illness or delirium.
(For more in-depth information on the most common causes of paranoia and strange beliefs in older adults, see this article:
6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do.)
Still, given your mom’s age and the fact you’ve noticed other signs of “thinking deterioration,” there’s a good chance that her persisting fear could be related to some chronic underlying cognitive impairment.
4 Things to try to help your mother
I can’t tell you what you should do, but here are some ideas that are generally helpful for this type of situation:
1. Evaluate her underlying cognitive condition. In other words, get her evaluated for possible underlying dementia. Alzheimer’s and other dementias are not curable, but if that’s what’s going on, getting a diagnosis sooner rather than later can help you. For instance, if she gets this diagnosis then you’ll know to look for relevant caregiver resources, including resources on communication in dementia.
For more on what can cause cognitive problems in older adults, see “Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.”
There are also a number of things you can do to help her thinking be the best it can be, such as avoiding certain medications, minimizing stress, and promptly recognizing delirium.
Last but not least, if she is diagnosed with dementia, your family should address advance care planning, and prepare for further cognitive decline. (This is sad to think about, but important!)
2. Reason why, rather than reasoning with. Instead of trying to convince her that nothing is there, see if you can figure out what might be triggering her perception that an animal is in the house. Is there a flapping curtain or other object that she’s misinterpreting, given her vision problems? Would better lighting in the house at night help?
3. Prioritize reassurance, validation, and emotional connection over rational explanations. No matter what their age or mental condition, people respond to feeling heard and loved.
And once the brain starts changing, it’s even less likely that a logical explanation will relieve a person’s anxiety. So, try focusing on acknowledging her concern and helping her feel better. It does sound like you’re already trying to do this, but since it’s such an important point, I’m saying it anyway!
Interestingly, research indicates that even people with poor memories maintain a lasting impression of an emotional experience. So keep fostering those positive emotions however you can. You might find that a hug and song work better than moving all the couches, and having your mother worry that you think she’s crazy.
4. Consider getting ideas from others caring for elderly relatives. Other family caregivers are often an excellent source of advice for trouble-shooting common problems such as anxiety, or even delusions.
You can start getting ideas — and support — from other caregivers right away through an online forum, such as the one at AgingCare.com. I would recommend doing this while her cognitive evaluation is pending, as you and she need practical behavior solutions sooner rather than later.
(Need more guidance on how to implement the suggestions above? I do offer a course to help families with all of this: Helping Older Parents with Early Memory Loss.)
Whom to ask for help
Of course, I always recommend families bring up their concerns with their relative’s doctors. Most concerns families have about an aging parent do track back to underlying medical problems that should be identified and addressed.
That said, many primary care doctors don’t have the time or experience to provide the optimal evaluation and support. If her doctor doesn’t seem very helpful, consider a specialty consultation with a neurologist, memory center, or geriatrician. (See this post for ideas on how to find a geriatrics consultation.) This should enable you to get a better understanding of what brain and body problems might be affecting your mother’s behavior.
For managing day-to-day challenges, you can get excellent practical advice from geriatric care managers, but this usually requires paying out of pocket.
I hope some of this advice helps. This is a tough situation to deal with, but if you’re persistent about investigating and looking into other ways to respond, you’ll hopefully hit upon an approach that brings your family some relief.
If nothing else, finding out that other people are dealing with similar problems is often a big relief to people.
You might also find my free online training for families helpful (see below), in which I teach families how to better communicate with an aging parent who may have memory loss.
[This article was last updated in June 2023.]
VK says
My question is: How do you get someone tested for cognitive issues when they refuse to be tested? Both of my elderly parents need caregiver help, but they refuse it. (My mom has recently had two surgeries, and she was fine until the last one. She also was recently diagnosed with chronic pulmonary fibrosis. Since the last surgery (well over three months ago), she can’t remember things, and has difficulty keeping a train of thought in conversations. My dad had a stroke last year. Since that time he is 95% blind.
The problem is that they are both very independent, private people. My dad is my mom’s health care Power of Attorney, and he refuses to have her tested for cognitive issues. (I suspect that is because, since his eyesight issues, he cannot drive and Mom is the one who, incredibly, drives both of them to their doctor appointments, which terrifies me. ) Both my brother and I live half a country away, and we have BOTH offered to have one of us move in and take care of them. They won’t hear of it. I even offered to just come home for a short time–a month or so–so that they wouldn’t feel as if i was “taking over.”
My aunt has phoned me repeatedly, saying they need help. I have contacted myriad elderly services in their county, but all require that they be home bound or requiring in-home care before services can be rendered.
Even simple things such as having groceries delivered they refuse to do. (Their local grocery store has a free home-delivery service. Yet my mom insists on driving to the store.)
I am worried sick. I called a friend of mine who is an eldercare case worker, and she says that there really is nothing I can do if they won’t let me help. But I can’t stand the stress of knowing they NEED help, but refuse to let me (or anyone else) give it.
What can I do? I am a nervous wreck over this.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
This is not an uncommon situation, but it is difficult and stressful, especially when two parents are involved. (BTW your mom getting mentally worse after surgery is VERY common; sounds like delirium and she might slowly keep getting better but some never fully recover.)
There actually ARE a number of things you can do, but most are not easy. For instance, many states have ways that a potentially unsafe driver can be reported. And if an older person shows signs of memory or thinking problems, it’s often possible for others to intervene. But as I said, it’s usually not easy to intervene when older parents are resisting, both for logistic and for relationship reasons.
It’s also often very hard for people in your situation to figure out just what to try and how. Geriatric care managers and other professionals with experience navigating “eldercare challenges” are often helpful. Usually you have to pay out of pocket, but it sometimes saves money in the long run and can reduce the stress and confusion for family members.
For now, I have two podcast episodes and one article that cover helping resistant parents when memory might be an issue:
Solving Hard Problems in Helping Aging Parents
Helping Reluctant Parents Address Memory Concerns
4 Things to Do When an Older Person Resists Help
Last but not least, I would recommend finding an online caregiver support group for people helping older parents. (There’s an active one at AgingCare.com.) You’ll find that many people are struggling with similar situations, and people often share good tips with each other.
Good luck!
Melanie says
My 75 year-old father is suddenly calling us at odd times – like really early – and bringing up really odd perceived slights that supposedly happened years ago. For example, my husband insulted a favorite college basketball coach and this might “split up our family”. He is also overly interested in politics and states that we have “hurt his feelings” for not supporting his candidate. He often brings up fairly off fears – like global warming is “made up” and that he has great concerns over the future. He is upset over our son’s choice of colleges too. It is always something. Any advice would be appreciated.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Whenever people tell me their parent’s behavior has changed or become more paranoid, I recommend a medical evaluation for possible cognitive impairment. You’ll want the doctors to assess for medication side-effects and other problems that might affect thinking.
Sometimes these kinds of behavior problems can be the very earliest signs of a dementia such as Alzheimer’s, but not always…so you don’t want to jump to conclusions but you DO want to make sure he is carefully assessed by a doctor.
I have more info on what dementia-mimics doctors should assess — and how you can prepare to get the best help from the visit — here: How We Diagnose Dementia: The practical basics
Good luck!
Jane Doe says
My mum is 76 years and is either very happy or very low, no middle ground. When she is low she withdraws to bed and cries. It is a roller coaster with her and we know her good mood won’t last and we will have to see her down again. We as a family have tried to get her to recognise what is happening and seek help but she blames it on being married to my dad, or on something we have done and says she hasn’t made the right choices in her life and hasn’t got the life she wants, however when up she is the luckiest person, family around her, a lovely home and beautiful garden. We understand she had a very difficult childhood, and she has always been depressive, not satisfied and we as the family trying to please her and make her happy. We are at a loss what to do to help her and take the stress off the family as we hate to see her so often down and she has also become verbally cruel and spiteful especially towards my dad when she starts going down. Any advice appreciated.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sounds like a difficult and sad situation. In my experience it is often hard to make headway when people have a history of being depressive or difficult, but I would still encourage you to have her evaluated by a doctor if you haven’t already done so. A certain proportion of people do get better with medication or psychotherapy, especially if there isn’t any concurrent cognitive impairment (memory/thinking problems).
Swinging between very happy and very down is less common…so it would be good for her to see a geriatric psychiatrist if possible.
Otherwise, I always tell families it’s very important to consider counseling for yourselves. You can and should make an effort to help an older relative. Yet despite all the efforts sometimes the older person won’t end up happy or well, and it’s important to learn to cope with that. Mindfulness practices seem to help people, provided they stick with it.
Last but not least, I would encourage you to seek support from other people caring for aging parents. You will find that many are going through something similar, and they will have ideas on how to cope. AgingCare.com has a fairly active forum of family caregivers providing support to each other.
Good luck!
Pawan says
Hi Leslie, same here my dad is 70 years old but sudden he stopped talking to anyone for two weeks and sudden started saying don’t be too loud somebody is making videos and don’t want us to open curtains. Even he doesn’t want to go outside he thinks that somebody wants to kill him. I reassured him starts going for a walk with him. Ask him check outside the window there is nothing. He is doing better now a days. But still sometimes doesn’t want to go outside make excuses that my leg is hurting. I contacted doctor, he said it’s either dementia or delirium. He is diabetes too but not hypertensive. So do you have an idea, what it is? Is it depression?
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Glad to hear your Dad is doing better. When an older adult gets symptoms that we might describe as “paranoid”, we want to rule out some of the conditions you mentioned, like delirium and dementia.
Depression can cause some paranoid thoughts as well. A depressed person may also demonstrate sadness, change in appetite and sleep, poor concentration, feelings of guilt, lack of enjoyment of pleasurable activities, and in an older adult, changes in memory or function can also be observed.
Sometimes it’s difficult to tell depression from dementia, and I made a YouTube video about that, which you can watch here.
Guenevere says
My 90 year old mother has lived with my husband and I for a year now since moving out of an assisted living facility. She has been diagnosed with dementia. She is rather independent but does have memory and confusion problems. I have never read any information on the situation I have with my mother. I am the only person taking care of her every day but she thinks their are other women taking care of her that look alot like me and say they have the same name as me. At times she knows that I am her daughter but most of the time I don’t know who she thinks she is talking to. Soften tells me things about the other caregivers that are not quite true….I know this because I am her only caregiver! Have you ever heard of this before??
Thank You.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
People with dementia do get confused about who is who, and they also can make things up or have false beliefs. So what you describe doesn’t sound all that surprising.
It occasionally helps to have the person’s medications checked, as some side-effects can make the confusion worse.
Otherwise, you might find it helpful to join a support group online or in person, as other dementia caregivers are often good at supporting each other. Good luck!
Vicki Kalinoski says
My mother does the same thing, I’m the only care provider and she has asked me if I have family members living close by, has asked me when is my birthday and when I tell her she says oh your a Christmas baby! She now sometimes does not recognize my father asking me who that man is? or says there are others in the house.
Charles says
My grandfather has started to exhibit similar symptoms – he sometimes thinks there is a delivery-person at the door even when there is no one there. He is very insistent, and it is difficult for my mother to try to convince him it isn’t real, or that he shouldn’t worry about it. Thanks for the post, I will send it to her.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Glad you found it helpful.
Debbie says
My mother (84 years old) has always been light fingered when she has been in her children’s homes. It was addressed many years ago. However, she was just caught red handed going through my daughter in laws purse and there was no discussion because it was late in the evening. I have asked my son to let his wife address the issue because it was her purse. He feels he needs to mediate. I fear that she already feels so humiliated that if both of them address the issue it will destroy my son and his nan’s relationship forever. He has been one of the most important people in her life. My son and his wife are a very strong duo and will be diplomatic about it but with over kill which isn’t necessary. My mother is not well physically but she is very with it with her mind. Just not as good as she was before at snooping etc. I can only imagine how she is feeling that she got caught. What are your thoughts on how to handle the situation?
Thanks in advance for your response
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Hm. If you are completely sure she isn’t developing problems with memory or thinking, then it’s basically an awkward situation among family members, involving trust and boundary issues. Your son is an adult and if you are sure your mother has her full mental capacities then she is an independent adult too, and you will have to decide to what extent you want to mediate an issue between them.
I will say that generally it’s hard for people to change habits and flaws that they’ve had for a long time. So I don’t know how realistic it is to tell her she has to change; might be better for your family to figure out a way to work around this weakness of hers, and not expect significant behavior changes. I will also say that in the earliest stages of cognitive impairment, some people show worse judgment or worse inhibition of their bad habits. This means they are more likely to do things that drive family members a bit crazy, but on the other hand sometimes it helps families to realize that the older person is less able to manage their behavior because of brain changes, and not because they don’t care about family members.
Good luck!
Teri says
I would think that confronting her might be the best thing.. because clearly EVERYONE knows about her.. but never confronts her.. making excuses for her is enabling… why? Because she’ll make YOU feel bad for bringing up HER toxic behavior? I have to deal with this with my mother in law, and because she throws a tantrum like a five year old, makes everyone’s life miserable because she’s not getting her way, so her children give in to her which only encourages her to continue because she knows there’s no consequences.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I can understand wanting to confront a family member who seems unreasonable and immature. It can be very satisfying and allow for venting of anger and hostility.
The downside is that confrontation rarely leads to a change in the behaviour of the irrational person, especially if there’s an underlying dementia or other mental health issue. Most of the time, the person with dementia is doing the best they can, and has a limited ability to respond to feedback or criticism.
Although it seems like the kids are “giving in”, this can be a good strategy to promote positive feelings rather than arguments.
Of course, if there’s no dementia or other issue, the behaviour may be part of a personality pattern, or may be a manipulative play. In these situations, confrontation is often not usually effective either, and in that case, setting boundaries and sticking to them would be the way to go.
Will says
Sometimes you need to just acknowledge someone is or has become a kleptomaniac. If you know ahead of time, you can just lock certain doors and lock up or hide valuables. It’s sad, but kinder.
This comes from someone who has friends with parents who suffer from kleptomania and have intimate experience. We all use the same tactic. Just put away valuables when the person comes to visit or visit in public or at their homes. There is no point in confronting a mental illness in most cases as a non-professional.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
That does sound like a practical solution, Will. If it’s not a new issue, which could be a sign of cognitive impairment or depression, then just working around the person seems reasonable.
Brenda says
My mom is 75 and has not been been told she has dementia or alzheimar.She says one thing and completely deny saying it today she told me I must leave my husband and come help look after her she has a live in nanny my brother lives with her she sees things that are not there her mood swings are bad she is happy and ok the next minute sad and irate we live our mom i don’t know how else to cope with her declining health
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear this, it sounds very difficult. I would say she definitely needs to be medically evaluated, to check on her thinking and to see if she might have another health condition that’s affecting thinking or behavior. It is not always Alzheimer’s or another dementia that is causing worrisome changes, although that’s a possibility in anyone her age. However, it’s often tricky to get such people in to see a doctor.
We have some articles and podcast episodes related to this type of situation:
Q&A: What to do if your aging parent becomes rude & resistant
How We Diagnose Dementia: the Practical Basics
Expert Interview: Helping Reluctant Parents Address Memory Concerns
Take a look (or listen), and then try to get help from others. Many people find it helpful to connect with other adult children in online forums, or in support groups. You can also try to see if any geriatric care managers in your area are giving free lectures, because many give talks on this topic. Good luck!
muddie says
My grandfather constantly tells me that someone is breaking into his apartment and stealing his things. At first, I did truly think that someone was taking his items, and we moved him from an active adult community to an independent living facility. At first, he thought that was the best thing for him, but in the past 2 months, the complaints about someone breaking in are resurfacing. I am not sure what else to do, because I know that no one is physically breaking in and I know that his memory is getting worse but it’s very very difficult to hear his cries each and every time he speaks and not try to correct or reason with him.
I have tried to talk about other things or try to say something like, “could it be that you misplaced something, or did you check over there?” But he insists that someone is taking from him. Additionally, there are other things that he’s forgetting to do like pay bills, bathe, and so on that have me worried. But when I try to confront him over these things, he gets aggregated and mean. He personally attacks me and says that I have never done anything for him or says how no one wants him. I am really not sure what else to do.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear of these problems. What you are describing is very very common.
You don’t say how old he is, but you say you’ve noticed memory problems and difficulty with bills and bathing. So it sounds worrisome for dementia.
Regarding responding to him, I would focus on validating his emotions and try not avoid confronting or reasoning with him. It just never convinces an older person and leads to stress for them and you.
I would also strongly encourage you to find support and information on coping with dementia behaviors. You can try your local Alzheimer’s Association, or for a good book see Surviving Alzheimer’s. The online caregiver forum mentioned above is another good place to find support.
Otherwise, if he hasn’t been medically evaluated for cognitive impairment, he needs to be. Alzheimer’s and other dementias cannot be cured, but diagnosis still matters because it helps families prepare for the future, and also should prompt changes to his medical care.
Good luck!
MaiTai50 says
My elderly mother has done this a few times. I found that rather than trying to convince her that her perceptions were incorrect I would try to help her. And I would phrase it that way, “You know what, Mom? Let me see if I can help with this. Where did you see it go?” And then I would make a show of going to wherever it was and shooing it away and out the door. I didn’t let my mother see, but she could hear me telling said animal (in her case it was a cat) “Shame on you, you know you don’t belong in the house, now go outside.” And I’d open the door and then close it and come back and she’d be relieved I had gotten rid of the cat.
Other things I’ve done is if I could see she was mistaking one thing for something else is I would bring her over to see and say, “Oh look, that person you thought was standing outside on the porch is actually the garden hoe I brought home today. And I agree, it does look like a person out there. Would you like me to move it?” She’d say yes, I’d do that. Problem solved.
It’s similar to the times I used to show my son there wasn’t a monster in the closet by opening the door, charging in with a broom, and telling the monsters to get out and doing swishing motions. It always made my son giggle and feel good that Mom had swept the monsters away. Same thing with my mom.
They perceive what they perceive and I found just taking care of their perceived problem usually did more good than anything else. I don’t know how many times that darn cat snuck into our house, but I just kept shooing him out until my mother decided I was good and shooing away unwanted kitties.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Great that you found an approach that worked. Thanks for sharing.
Elise Bodtke says
Another possibility: Charles Bonnet syndrome. Related to her declining vision, my mother occasionally saw things that weren’t there. However, she realized that the things she saw were not real . Nothing she saw was in the least frightening. Perhaps if they’d been frightening she’d have been less able to know that they were unreal.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Yes, very good point. People can have visual hallucinations in the absence of dementia or mental illness, especially if they have chronic vision problems, and this is called Charles Bonnet Syndrome. It’s been estimated that 10-15% of older adults with vision impairment might be experiencing this.
This is why one should never presume dementia based solely on visual hallucinations, or even a few “irrational” beliefs. However, often when families tell me about an older person believing something that the family can’t quite prove, further inquiry often uncovers evidence of other thought deterioration. This isn’t surprising, given that studies have found that over 50% of people over age 90 have some cognitive impairment. And given how often older adults have vision problems, it’s quite possible that one might have cognitive deterioration AND visual hallucinations that aren’t due to the cognitive deterioration.
Further investigation and compassionate reassurance are always a good first step! Glad your mother didn’t find her hallucinations too scary.
Fenie says
Hi Leslie are you a specialist on old folks? My dad has ocd it’s alr a pain to manage, but mother tends to repeat things tactlessly, coz i don’t want her to remind me we cant control others, that friends are going overseas (but I’m jealous i cannot) THEY DONT WANT to leave their comfort zone and stop me as well! im not sure if its Bpd, coz despite both their nonsense they reluctant to let a professional come in.
Still working on the Ocd thing it’s bad enough, some people’s mothers do the right thing. Mine has never nurtured, only do basic duties but not show care inside. Therefore i’m insecure with people, though i know i need outer social circles but get the wrong sort of connections!
i know im late commenting hope u reply
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Yes, I am board-certified in geriatrics.
I’m not quite sure what your question is. It sounds like you’re concerned about your parents but they are reluctant to get help. The article on my site explain the possible medical underpinnings of many behavior or health changes that concern adult children. It still ends up being tough to intervene, however, especially one has had challenging relationships with one’s parents earlier in life.
Try this article, which has some specific suggestions on how to get help intervening: 6 Causes of Paranoia in Aging & What to Do
For moral support and practical suggestions, I also recommend an online caregiver support group. The one at AgingCare.com is quite active and many people report facing situations similar to yours. Good luck!
lorreena bailey says
i am a 70 yr old daughter who has no other family support and my 95 yr old mom has broken her hip twice and has some dimensia and is in rehab
how do i break the news to her that she cannot live independently anymore when she is a stubborn little lady and i don’t want to upset her so i go and visit in the hospital but i just cannot tell her cause i am afraid she will fall apart when i tell her that her independent days are over i am too old to care for her and i have no other family to help the stress is terrible and i feel like i am lying to her and i feel guilty knowing she hates hospitals and old age homes.
how do i break the news to her i am afraid she will go crazy and hate me forever
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
So sorry to hear of your situation. It does indeed sound very difficult.
First of all, huge kudos to you for everything you’ve done so far. Your mother may not be able to fully appreciate it, but I do and I’m sure lots of others do.
Otherwise, the answer to your question is that often, one ends up upsetting or disappointing a parent under the circumstances you describe. This is painful but if you are stressed and can’t take care of her, then finding her a placement is what you have to do, even if it makes her angry.
If she has dementia, try to not argue or reason with her or expect her to understand your reasons. Consider telling her a white lie or “fiblet” if that makes the move easier for her to accept, e.g. that your house needs repair.
I do recommend joining an online support group, such as the one at AgingCare.com. Lots of people have been through something similar, they will give you ideas on what to say and lots of support with how difficult this is.
The book Coping with your difficult older parent is also very good.
Remember, it’s ok to choose what’s better and necessary for you. You can’t always do the things that make your parent happier, it’s just often not possible. Good luck and take care!
Dawn says
Hey my name is Dawn and I’m my sister-in-law’s caregiver and she has been throwing up. She has diarrhea. Her blood pressure is 182 her DIA is 116 her pulse is 120 and it’s high but her heart rate is 114 95/114. She can’t make it to the toilet and she has a little pot and I just don’t know what to do but anything to drink besides water and she’s throwing it up. I don’t know what to do.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Dawn, I can’t give medical advice over the internet and the symptoms you describe sound serious. In medical emergencies, call 911 or go to the Emergency Room. For serious but not emergent issues, primary care providers or urgent care centers have doctors that can to a proper evaluation and give advice.
If you want to learn more about dehydration, I recommend checking out this article: /qa-how-to-prevent-diagnose-treat-dehydration-aging-adults/
Randy says
My parents constantly scream….act childish and crazy
My mother knows better…maybe…
My step father is going crazy..screaming putting me down…horrible.
He screams.honks horn…for no reason…he is nuts.
I just walk away.
Craziness.
It is both of them…
Crazy behaviour
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry to hear this, it sounds very stressful. If it’s getting worse as they get older, I would recommend further evaluation. Good luck and take care!
Kalista says
Hi Leslie. I am a 11 year old. My fathers girlfriend is 73. Ahe always gets scared and shouts and yells when I spook her. I keep trying to make noise such as shuffuling my feet or clearing my throat but nothing works. She has good hearing but I dont know what to do! I don’t want her to have a heart attack! Any advice?
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Hi Kalista. I’m really not used to giving advice to 11 year old’s (unless they are my own kids!). It’s hard to say what’s going on here, and people can be jumpy for a lot of reasons, but rarely so startled that they have a heart attack. This would be a good thing to talk about with your father. I’m sure he would want to know that it’s weighing on your mind.
De says
My mother is 81 and always puts me down I know how u feel
Cynthia says
Just stay away from her.
neil says
I feel your pain: it’s only me myself and I looking after my 76-year-old father and he annoys and just does everything to get underneath my skin. I have no breathing space to do anything I need to do for myself, it’s all him so I feel your pain
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Being a caregiver can feel very isolating, but you’re not alone – there are hundreds of thousands of caregivers in Canada and the USA. It’s complicated to care for a parent, and can be even harder depending on your previous relationship issues.
Dr. K has recently published a book called: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”. This is a practical guide to how to start helping an aging parent, but also has a lot of advice for those who’ve been caregiving for a while. You can learn more here. I think you’d find it a worthwhile read!
Sugar says
I live with my 98 year old mom who is in good health. Several years ago I diagnosed her with Charles Bonnett syndrome. ( searched the internet after she told me she was having funny looking people visit her!). But….. I thought about it and when it started and realized that we had changed Pharmacys at the time it began and that meant we were getting a different brand of generic drugs. I switched her back to the first pharmacy and their brand of the drug she was taking, and Voila! The visual hallucinations went away and never came back.. until recently when my sister decided to sign her up for express scripts from Tricare.,I switched it back and again she stopped having the hallucinations. So personally? I think what causes it is a filler or chemical that was used in the generic drug. Thank God I was able to get her back on the one that worked and didn’t affect her! Just a thought for everyone out there taking care of their elderly parents like me!
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thanks for sharing this story! Great thought to check and see if any recently changed medications might be an issue.