Q: My loving, Jewish mother is 92 and has turned into a rude, abusive foul-mouthed woman who I no longer recognize.
She’s in relatively good health and amazingly lives in the same house I grew up in. She has an aide during the day. She won’t leave the house,treats the aide poorly and last weekend cursed out my very patient spouse. We’ve been getting 5 calls a day such as ” I”m having a heart attack; no one will tell me whether recycling comes today”!
I know she has early signs of dementia. Her cardiologist tells me not to take it to heart and this is not the same women who raised me. She won’t go to the JCC adult programs, complains about being lonely at night, yet hangs up on me when I tell her we can get an aide at night or sell the home and let her live in a facility with women her age, etc. She threatens to call the Police if someone comes to her home at night. I have a POA but don’t want to rob her of her independence at 92. I try to tell her to speak nicely to the aides, myself, my spouse, but she says ” I don’t remember or I must have reacted to something someone did or said.”
I feel guilty as I’m not spending as much time with her as I would like, but it’s a matter of survival. Jewish guilt is thrown about with impunity and I can’t tell whether she’s being manipulative and obsessing over bullshit ( “oh my God the outside light may burn out tonight” ) or she really can’t control herself. Her aide is a lovely human being but my mom orders her around like a slave. Who is this woman? I’m torn, anguishing over what to do and am doing nothing but try to correct her inappropriate behavior and language. I wanted to take her to a geriatric psychiatrist but she refused to go. Medication to calm her down is dangerous per the MD as she could fall, etc.
What should I do? I’m at my wits end.
Dr. K’s answer:
Wow, difficult situation but unfortunately not uncommon.
You say your mother has early signs of dementia, and it is true that “personality changes” can be due to an underlying dementia, such as fronto-temporal dementia or Alzheimer’s, especially if a family notices other changes in memory or thinking abilities.
But it doesn’t sound like your mother’s been clinically evaluated for dementia, and you don’t say whether this has been brought up with her primary care doctor.
How to Get Memory & Thinking (or Personality Changes) Evaluated
To get help with this situation, I would recommend you find a way to get a least a preliminary medical assessment done for dementia.
If you are wondering what is the difference between dementia and Alzheimer’s disease, or want to know more about how they are diagnosed, I explain that in this video:
In principle, this can be done at a primary care provider’s (PCP’s) office, and it might be easier to arrange that visit than it is to get her to see a geriatric psychiatrist.
In practice, primary care doctors – and cardiologists, for that matter – routinely wave off dementia assessments in people your mother’s age, saying things like “it’s not necessary” “there’ll be nothing to do” “don’t make her upset” and “don’t take it personally, it’s the disease and not your fault.” (This last statement is generally true, but that doesn’t mean we should skip the assessment!) Also, many primary care doctors may not be quite sure just what to do, in order to complete a preliminary assessment.
Fortunately, you can improve your chances of getting a helpful assessment by familiarizing yourself with how dementia is diagnosed, and then coming prepared with good information regarding your mother’s abilities and challenges. For instance, you can make note of how your mother is doing regarding these 8 behaviors that may correspond with Alzheimer’s.
This article I wrote can also help: Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check.
You can also review this article about dementia diagnosis which I wrote for family caregivers. Do bear in mind that HIPAA does not prevent you from contacting her doctor ahead of time and relaying your concerns and your observations. I generally think it’s good to do this in writing, as it can be put in her chart.
You may, of course, be wondering why you should bother getting her checked for dementia, such as Alzheimer’s disease. You may also be worried that a diagnosis will distress or upset her. In truth, it might upset her in the short term. Still, in the long run, getting her assessed for dementia is likely to bring you both a lot of benefits.
The Many Benefits of Pursuing a Dementia Diagnosis
For your mother, an assessment for cognitive changes means she’ll be checked for other health problems that might cause personality or thinking changes. After all, it’s possible that the problems you’re observing are not due to dementia.
It’s also common for dementia to be exacerbated by additional problems – like electrolyte imbalances, medication side-effects, untreated pain, or even constipation — which can be treated, even though a disease such as Alzheimer’s can’t be cured. So you really want at least a preliminary clinical dementia evaluation to be completed.
If your mother ultimately is deemed to have dementia, you want that to be in her medical chart. That’s because this diagnosis has implications for how to manage the care of any other health problems she has. (For example, the doctors should not simply provide verbal instructions to her for her healthcare, as they usually do to patients. And they should do things like simplify her medications if possible.)
A dementia diagnosis will also make it easier for you to get help as a family caregiver. Difficult behaviors are often managed with medications, but it’s true that these generally increase fall risk, so they should be avoided. If you are concerned about her behavior, this article will explain the pros and cons of the available medication options: 5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors.
What is best is for family caregivers – and paid home caregivers – to learn better dementia behavior management techniques, and dementia caregiving coping strategies. I’m afraid it’s pointless to try to reason with her and “correct” her behavior, that just doesn’t work with people who are cognitively impaired. But there are other approaches that can help, most of which start off by accepting the impaired person’s reality.
Plus, learning better ways to handle your mother’s behaviors can have a big effect on her wellbeing, and on yours. For you, learning better approaches will help you with the stress, anxiety, and guilt. This will make it more feasible for you to be present for your mother when you can, and that in turn will improve her wellbeing (even though she may not often sound as appreciative as you’d like). A 2013 study actually found that dementia caregiver coping strategies were associated with slower dementia progression.
Last but not least, a dementia diagnosis often helps a family focus on planning for further declines in decision-making and independence. This is obviously not easy, but trust me, things tend to go better later if families have done some planning earlier.
In other words, there is a lot to learn and do if you are, in fact, the son of an older woman who is changing due to dementia. A preliminary diagnosis is an important medical first step, and will make it easier for you to get help coping, and get help learning skills to make the experience more manageable.
How to Get Help Coping with Dementia Symptoms
For help coping with the experience – whether it’s how to get your mom in to see the doctor, how to deal with the doctors, how to cope with your stress, how to manage her outbursts, how to plan ahead – I would recommend you try the following resources:
- Talk to a professional trained to help people struggling with aging parents, such as a geriatric care manager (now known as an aging life care professional) or a senior care adviser.
- Visit online support forums. There’s a quite active forum at AgingCare.com. The Alzheimer’s Association is another good source of support groups.
- Read a few good books, as it’s hard to learn a lot by skimming web pages. For dementia, the 36 Hour Day is well respected, and I like Surviving Alzheimer’s a lot too. Or consider a course offered by your local Alzheimer’s Association. Another option would be dementia management videos, such as those by Teepa Snow. Pick whatever method of education works best for your style of learning.
- Remember to take deep breaths, and to take care of yourself. Dementia or no, helping an aging parent is usually a long journey. Building some daily walking and daily mindfulness practice into your day can make a big difference.
Good luck! Do get that dementia assessment and then get help learning to deal with her behaviors. It’s an effort but it will pay off in the long run.
This article was first published in 2015, and was last updated by Dr. K in June 2022.
Lakeside says
I’m with all of you, I have a brother who moved back to Michigan. Since he’s been here I have been his only person that drives him to the doctors , to the store goes for his medicine. He made me poa when he came here. I am on call when ever he needs me. He lost his balance an fell hitting his head and blamed me for it, but I was at a wedding when it happened. He is getting worse with his dementia. The other day he said he wants to change his will because I always trying to tell him what to do for his good and he doesn’t want me in his attorney office with him, on conclusion he wants to take away the poa from me. For a brother that has done every thing possible for him I feel discouraged, After all I have been doing for him.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sounds like a difficult situation. Unfortunately, some people with dementia aren’t able to fully appreciate all that their family is doing for them.
If you haven’t already done so, I recommend contacting your local Alzheimer’s Association or a similar support group. It’s good to connect with other caregivers, and it’s also important to learn how to most constructively respond to your brother’s frustrations or accusations.
Good luck!
Linda H. says
I have a very difficult situation, my father has Alzheimer’s and is in memory care. My oldest brother takes care of him as best he can, visiting him weekly and making sure his needs are met. I live 2000 miles away and can’t be there yo help. My dad can no longer hear or see and is angry at everyone. He was never what you would call a nice man all the time we were growing up and got much worse when my mother died (she was only 45 when she passed). He became violent with us and we all left as soon we got old enough. My oldest brother however promised my mother he would care for my dad and has done so for many years but it has become increasingly difficult. My father is fowl with my brother and staff at the home. I don’t know what to do to help him and my dad has driven off all other family members long ago. I want to help but don’t know how, any suggestions?
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Sorry for your difficult situation. A few thoughts:
– Talk to your brother and ask him how you can help support HIM (your brother). It sounds like he has gone through a lot.
– You may or may not be able to do much to help your father at this point. Don’t hold yourself responsible for the outcome. Your job is to have a good intention and to make an effort. What that effort should look like, I can’t really say…your brother might have some suggestions.
– You might find the book “Coping with Your Difficult Older Parent” helpful, you can perhaps get it from your public library.
Good luck!
Mary Ann O. says
My mother is 82 and lives on her own. Her long term memory is just fine, but her short term seems to be fading. She will ask me the same questions within minutes and forget what day it is. If I am explaining something I have to tell her over and over because she gets confused. For the longest time if we are talking about an issue or something in the news she will argue and sometimes gets nasty with her opinions. To herself, shes always right even though she makes no sense or have reason. Is this just her getting older or signs of dementia?
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
It is normal for things to slow down in the brain a bit as people get older, but what you are describing sounds more significant. It’s not normal to ask the same question within minutes (repeatedly; once in a while would be ok) or to keep forgetting what day it is.
I would recommend further evaluation. These articles explain what should be done and looked for:
Cognitive Impairment in Aging: 10 Common Causes & 10 Things the Doctor Should Check
How We Diagnose Dementia: The Practical Basics to Know
Good luck!
Debbie says
Thank you so much for an insightful and information packed response!
I have recently become caregiver for my 51 year old brother who we believe has dementia.
I have learned so much in the last two months since realizing his need for care and his dementia. I have found that reading, support groups, training, any and all ways that I can learn more not only about his disease, but how I must relearn ways to communicate with him where he is now, not where he used to be, or how he should be. Once I understood that, along with the fact that each day brings new challenges, I am so much more understanding and compassionate.
It is working alongside professionals who are empathetic not only to the patient, but also the caregiver that I truly believe it takes a team to properly care for and love our patient, and one another.
Thank you for being so clear and concise as well as offering so many other information resources!! I’m reading through all of them and have already ordered a copy of the book.
Keep up the great work and the blog!!
Debbie
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thanks for this comment, I’m glad you find this site helpful, and wonderful that you are learning to communicate better with your brother. This will surely improve the relationship and quality of life for BOTH of you.
51 is very young for dementia in people who do not already have Down’s syndrome or another form of developmental delay. I hope your family has been able to get help from a specialized memory center, as I think they are especially helpful for people with early-onset dementia.
Barbara says
Glad to see I’m not alone. My mom has turned into a screaming mean person. She lives in my house for 15 years without paying us a thing, but makes so many demands and won’t follow simple requests re: smoking, etc. Her episodes are more frequent and meaner. She threatens to call the police on us! My poor husband! He has been so good to her but she aims for the Achilles
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
You are definitely not alone. 15 years is a long time; very good of you to do this and sorry your mother is not more appreciative.
If the situation is very difficult and stressful — which it sounds like — I would recommend you reach to local resources for more advice and support. Your local Area Agency on Aging can help you identify these. You need to make sure you take care of yourself and your marriage, and contacting others can help you identify ways to meet your own needs while providing your mother with reasonable assistance.
You should also be sure to let your mother’s doctor knows what is going on, esp if your mother seems to be changing or getting worse, as it’s important to identify any underlying medical issues that might be causing or worsening her behavior. Good luck!
Neftali Fernandez says
All of these articles are extremely helpful. I’ve shared them with friends of mine in other states. I hope they are reading them and following this most important advice.
Thanks to all!
Neftali
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thank you for sharing with others, I appreciate it!
Richard Wong says
CONTACT YOUR LOCAL AlZHEIMER’S ASSN CHAPTER FOR help. They run a series of classes which are offered at no cost which helps you to care for your loved one.Their website is also very helpful
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Agree, local Alzheimer’s Association chapters are an excellent resource. Most caregiving resources are helpful for all kinds of dementia, and so I often tell families to still try Alz.org even if they’ve been diagnosed with a different dementia, or non-specific dementia.
Gina Borgman says
I have two aging parents, one with dementia, one without. However my not-demented parent is very stressed and overwhelmed with the responsibilities of the current situation, so between the two of them, my hands are really full these days. I find solace with the usual – daily exercise, half hour a day in the sun, a focus on healthy diet and long nights’ sleep. I keep a watchful eye on my alcohol intake. I lean heavily on my loving and supportive husband, siblings and friends. I try to take the advice I give my mother “focus on what you can change, not on what you can’t.” It’s hard to do, but it helps me keep my balance. Every day is a new challenge and an opportunity to develop grace.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Yes, I often think of the “Serenity Prayer” when working with families.
“Let us have the serenity to accept what cannot be changed,
The courage to change what can be changed,
and the wisdom to know the one from the other.”
That last wisdom part is hard however, for families AND for doctors.
Your comment also brings up something very important, which is that many family caregivers are older adults caring for spouses. Studies have found these are the caregivers who tend to do the most weekly work. I’ve also noticed it can be hard for families to figure out how to help a caregiving parent, since the caregiving spouse often tries to avoid burdening others.
I am glad to know you making an effort to take care of yourself, and hope your non-demented parent is able to squeeze in some self-care as well. It’s wonderful that you’re able to offer some help and support to your parents at this time.
Kim says
Gina your life could be mine at this moment. I need to start exercising to help control the frustration. It overwhelms me.
Britney65 says
Nasty abusive elderly mothers are narcissistic by nature, nothing you will do right will ever be acceptable by them. The mental health from their formative years in childhood, is the reason they are so anguished in later life. When I speak with Indian or Asian or other cultures, they tell me that when a parent is elderly and needs care they themselves in the family take care of them. It may be well true your mother is very scared of being left with a strange helper (aid) in her home. Having care by ones’ own family is paramount and not to be left for strangers to help with, firstly you can’t trust them and secondly, you have no affirmative evidence if they do something and you must prove it to the Police. I feel that the elderly are left neglected in nursing homes, and I feel that listening to the news all the time that they are the most neglected members in our community and secondly comes children who are being abused in all forms as well. Narcissistic is a word people should look up it is an inherited trait and those brain symptoms that elderly people develop or suffer from is merely an acute mental illness which they have lived with all their entire life., so we should educate ourselves with mental illness in the youth and the elderly as I feel that this is systemic in the late life category of being angry, abusive, aggressive and so forth, who wants to get old, sick and lonely, no one, and I am right in saying that everyone wants to be youthful, fit and healthy, no one wants to be left to get sick alone at home or in a nursing home.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
You raise some very good points in your comment. I agree that previous life experience and personality can influence an older adult’s behaviour and response to change later in life, and of course, there’s nothing we can do to change that.
You also describe the worries that many have about the care that a vulnerable older relative could get from a non-family member, such as in long-term care or an in-home care agency.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for taking the time to leave a comment!
Robert Keene says
As a caregiver for my 100 year old mother until her death, now a support group facilitator, dementia and caregiver educator and doing non-pharmacological and environmental home assessments, I agree with Dr. K. that is an unfortunate, but not uncommon situation. It is sometimes hard for us as children to step in and override decisions of our parents, even though we know that it would be best for all involved. These situations are why more than half of people with Alzheimer’s pass away without even being diagnosed – what a sad and unnecessarily difficult life both the patient and their caregiver (if they even have one) endure as a result. Dr. K’s articles were a big help to me when I was a caregiver and I continue to share her information with others as I find them well written for the layman who has limited time to read and research dementia issues.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thank you! I’m so glad you’ve gone on to provide dementia education and support in your community. I’ve learned quite a lot from you and others who have written to me since I started this blog. Dementia is often a difficult journey for families but it’s nice that the Internet makes it easier for us to connect and learn from each other.
Lilly Hughes says
Your points are well taken with me, Robert Keene. Dad is has been widowed about 1 yr, 8 months. He is now 92. He was paranoid and now he has added delusional to it per my description to the psych I see. He is very verbally abusive to me. I don’t answer his phone calls and let them go to voice mail. He accuses me of and tells everyone that I’m going into the house and cleaning him out. He has called the police three times to file charges. Thanks to the Sheriff’s RUOK program I have them checking on him three times per week. At the third call, the Sheriff’s department called it into Adult Protective Services. I’ve asked the American Legion to reach out to him. That’s all I can do. Sheriff’s have suggested I don’t go to the house because of weapons. I have a brother who lives near but there is no communication with him. This is only a part of the story. He needs to be in assisted living at the least. I checked out some stuff, but decided that… he wants to die in that house, so be it. I was their caregiver, spokesman, billing clerk, chauffeur, etc. He’ll be one who passes undiagnosed. It’s heartbreaking.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Yes, it certainly is sad and heartbreaking when older adults become very paranoid and refuse the help they need. It sounds like you’ve called Adult Protective Services and did most of what you could do. I’m sorry your father isn’t able to appreciate your efforts.
HP says
I have learned a lot from the articles you provide, related resources, and feedback from others. My Mom has gotten very mean and easily angered. She has false memories that fuels her hatred of some family members, especially my Dad. I do not want to be this way as I age. Are there any studies as to why people get this way? Any behaviors in their earlier years that contribute to it? Thank you
Linda Meneken says
Fantastic response by Dr. K to an important, well-written letter that had me laughing and in tears both! Such a common experience for many families going through this journey…good luck to all and get that dementia assessment!
Linda Meneken PT
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thank you! Agree that the letter does a wonderful job at capturing the struggle and frustration that so many people experience.
mary ann hanselman says
I am forwarding this item to my 3 children. I just turned 80 and my children are just entering their 50s.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
I’m glad you find it helpful. It’s often a great help to adult children when their parents are open to planning for the future.
Sue Ellen says
So true, thank you!
Glenda Lang says
Doctor K, thank you for the update in dealing with personality changes in aging folks. It would be helpful to see you address the issue of changes caused by medication and over medication. Anyone taking a sleep aid such as Temazepam or any of the benzodiazepine family is at risk for side effects that can mimic and lead to what seems to be dementia after long term use, or use past the recommended dosage time. These can be searched on google. It is important for family caregivers to study every single prescription an aging parent is taking. Some are not life support medications, but given to quiet restlessness. Some people are taking more than one of these. They not only can directly affect the brain and create what appears to be dementia in aging people; they can create the same effect on younger people. I speak from experience. A doctor over medicated me on a sleep aid from the benzodiazepine family (includes valium), which is a psychoactive drug. I am a full time working senior citizen in a busy profession. I was prescribed this medication for several years when two weeks is the maximum dosage. My personality changed. My daughter thought I was getting dementia. Fortunately I was entered into a safe withdrawal program and recovered to continue working. It is also important to recognize that if you find your parent taking a brain altering or influencing medication, you must see that they are withdrawn slowly, safely and professionally. Sad to say, some doctors do not have a clue about the side effects of what they prescribe, nor are they aware of how to safely have a patient withdrawn from a mind altering psychoactive drug. It does not have to be an opiate to become addicted. My doctor told me to just “stop” taking the Temazepam. He did not know that I could have had a seizure or stroke from doing so.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
Thank you Glenda for sharing your story and for bringing up these important points! You are right, it is indeed common for older adults to be given benzodiazepine sedatives and other drugs that impair brain function, and such prescriptions are often inappropriate or aren’t tapered off correctly.
I’m so glad you were able to find your way off this medication and that you’ve had a good recovery.
I do address these issues in some other article on this site:
How You Can Help Someone Stop Ativan
4 Types of Brain-Slowing Medication to Avoid if You’re Worried About Memory
5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors
5 Top Causes of Sleep Problems in Seniors, & Proven Ways to Treat Insomnia
susan says
Please I am in desperate help. My mother is 89 and her anger is full on rage. Hitting, yelling, throwing things.. etc. this rage will last from the time she wakes up till bedtime. My father has a bad heart and can’t take it. In hopes to control this she was prescribed depakote 125 mg a day 3 x day. Today will be her 5th day on this Med and so far nothing has calmed her. She gets so angry at me and my dad that she will not eat. Now the dr has ordered that we take her to emergency and they will admit her to the psych ward to be medically stabilized. This frightens me. Her rage frightens me because I’m afraid she will have a stroke or my dad will have a heart attack. She screams at the tv like these people are in the house. My fear also is that my mom is Japanese and if she is hospitalized who will understand her? Please help me I love my mom so much and I know she must be scared. I fear her going in hospital that she may never come out.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
So sorry to hear of your mother’s situation. I can see why you are so worried, and of course this must be difficult for her as well.
If she is really out of control and is endangering herself or others around her, then sometimes it is indeed necessary to hospitalize the person to stabilize them with medication. If there is a language barrier between her and the staff, it’s true that will make things more difficult. The hospital may be able to provide an interpreter but also if they will allow family to be present, it will help her to have someone familiar who speaks her language.
What is most important is that you are concerned for her, and if you can show up as much as possible to express that concern and care for her, that can really help. She sounds unwell, hopefully she will get treatment and be better soon. Remember that you can’t really control what happens, you can only control how you show up for her and try to support her during this difficult time. This is not easy, so find a caregiver support group if you can.
If she is older and there is a possibility of dementia or another form of cognitive impairment, I have an article on medications often used here:
5 Types of Medication Used to Treat Difficult Dementia Behaviors
good luck!
Leslie Warner says
Good stuff and no one telks oatients or their families. Really, Ambien for a n 87 yr old parent for theclast 25 years?
Who monitors these prescribing docs. Absolutely no one.
It’s the nature of the professional. The careless way we treat our elderly.
Our cavalier attitude in this country, that everything can be fixed eith the right pill.
Not so.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
It’s true that for a variety of reasons, health providers often tend to prescribe pills in response to problems and this is an approach that is especially unsuited to many aging health challenges. So it’s good for older adults and families to be prepared to ask questions and advocate a bit for other approaches.
jean says
I also think it’s important not to overly coddle people with dementia like they are a little child. Rudeness should not be tolerated from anyone. Not to say you yell at them but if they are being rude, tell them they are being rude and if they are doing something that can cause them harm or to fall, you have to be stern and stop them from continuing that behavior.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
I have to respectfully disagree here. It is unfortunately true that people with dementia often behave in ways that seem “rude.” But if they really have dementia, it’s generally counter-productive to be stern and tell them they are being rude. They just can’t make sense of the feedback they way a non-demented person would. (And BTW, normal people generally respond poorly to being told they are “rude”; no one likes to feel embarrassed or criticized.)
What is more constructive is to try to create a positive and supportive emotional connection, and then work on a redirection of the behavior. Looking for underlying triggers is also important. We have an article describing how to do this here:
7 Steps to Managing Difficult Dementia Behaviors (Safely & Without Medications)
b says
Places a fairly substantial burden on the adult offspring. I wish there were more attention paid to that and more resources devoted to it in this incredibly wealthy country (and yes, at this writing I’m fully aware who is sitting in the White House and Cabinet), as that person’s needs are systemically neglected beyond palliative phrases like “take some time for yourself” or “take a break” when a) they’re literally being abused, more often than not, and b) that’s substantially difficult most of the time and the time *required* in order to return to the most marginal state of equanimity exponentially exceeds the time *available* to do so.
Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH says
I completely agree that this is a substantial burden to place on adult children, and agree that more societal resources should be devoted to helping families with these situations.
Unfortunately, although it’s incredibly common for people to encounter these problems, this has not so far turned into a motivated political force. People are oblivious to the issue until it hits them, then swamped dealing with the challenges, and then afterwards most have no interest in advocating for other family caregivers. (I imagine they are exhausted and sick of thinking about these things, which is understandable.)
I recommend following Howard Gleckman’s column on caring for aging parents for a great view into relevant policy. And then…advocate if you can!
Alecia says
Yes!! I’ve been emotionally and financially taking care of my 80 year old dementia mother for 15 years and could have another 15. She is verbally abusive and says I do nothing for her (she is bed ridden as she had polio as a child and while she can stand, she says she can’t do baths, eating and such are all Done in bed and by me and a daytime care giver). She has literally been sick since I was 10- so I know no other life. I tell myself it is the disease, I redirect, I walk away – I want to keep walking at this point.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
It sounds like you’ve had a long experience of being a caregiver for your mom, and that her needs are very high. High levels of care partner strain can even lead to situations of abuse or neglect, or caregiver illness.
You sounds like you’ve developed some effective approaches, but it’s still hard. I hope you have some support and get some respite for yourself.
Dr. K has recently published a book called: “When Your Aging Parent Needs Help: a geriatrician’s step-by-step guide to memory loss, resistance, safety worries, and more”. It’s written for those who are starting on the caregiver journey but has great advice for caring at any stage. You can find out more here.
Thanks for sharing your experience.
Doreen says
I applaud you for being proactive! I am a 49 yr old female caring for her 76 yr old father. It was I who turned to the web, desperate for a solution to his daily screaming fits. God Bless You
Tom Wilson says
Very helpful article about a very tough circumstance.
Here is a list of 91 fully vetted resources dealing with Alzheimer’s and Dementia that are helpful – http://www.caregiverpartnership.com/resources/category/dementia-alzheimers/18/