(This article is a special guest post by geriatrician Dr. Nicole Didyk, founder of the blog and YouTube channel The Wrinkle. Like me, Dr. Didyk has a particular interest in informing and empowering older adults and families. So I’ve been very glad to have her contributing to the site, and I appreciate her covering some topics that I haven’t yet had the time to address. Enjoy! — L. Kernisan)
Quick! Think about older adults and sex. What comes to mind? George Burns cracking wise about sex after 90 being like trying to shoot pool with a rope? A sweet old couple holding hands in their rocking chairs? Nothing?
The truth is that what pops into people’s minds, when it comes to older adults and sexuality, is often negative. For instance, it’s common for older adults to be thought of as:
- “Cute” in a chaste and childlike way,
- Predatory and/or “lecherous”, as in the “cougar” or the “dirty old man”, or
- Problematic (think sexual behavior when someone has dementia, or sex between nursing home residents).
This, of course, is largely due to pervasive ageism in society. Sexuality, sexual expression, and the urge for physical intimacy is actually an important part of every adult person’s life.
So it’s sad that it’s so common for it to be treated as “inappropriate” or otherwise discouraged in later life. But fortunately, we’re starting to see significant progress in combatting this aspect of ageism, too.
In my job as a consultant Geriatrician, I see older adults about a wide range of issues, including memory changes, falls, pain, depression, and medication adjustment. But what is often affected by all of those medical issues – yet rarely talked about — is sex.
Geriatrics is a team sport, and one of the professionals on my team is Natalie Wilton, MSW, RSW, a social worker who specializes in working with older adults with dementia. I noticed that Natalie had a particularly skillful approach when working with responsive behaviours in dementia that had a sexual component, and I soon learned that Natalie is also a qualified sex therapist, with a special interest in older adults. I knew I had to interview her for my website, The Wrinkle. One conversation turned into three, and the response from my audience has been remarkable (“Sex and Seniors Part One” is my most viewed video on YouTube!).
Natalie is passionate about this topic because, she says: “Sexuality is a part of our persona throughout the lifespan, and so the perception that older people are asexual is usually not true.” Despite this, she goes on to report that sex is not really talked about in Geriatrics, even in therapeutic settings: “Sex never comes up.” A survey published in the Journal of Clinical Gerontology and Geriatrics indicates that about 58% of geriatricians occasionally ask about sexual function in their patients, and the rest never do. Compare that to the finding that 20 to 30% of those over 80 are sexually active, and this leaves a gap in the comprehensive care of older adults.
Clearly, more needs to be done to help ensure that older adults are supported in addressing this vital dimension of the human experience, and in getting the help they might need from their health providers.
So in this article, I’ll be sharing some of the key things to know about sex in later lifem and I’ll cover the natural changes in sexual function and behaviour with aging, reveal some surprising truths, and offer some tips for taking care of this important part of living well.
How Aging Changes Sex in Later Life
Most people believe that it’s natural for a person’s sex life to go into decline with advancing age.
Now, it’s true that over time aging, does tend to change the way the body and mind function, and this definitely can affect sexuality.
This doesn’t mean that sex has to be “over” at a certain point or age. But it does mean that certain adaptations often need to be considered, to accommodate one’s changing body and needs.
Let’s look at the normal age-related changes that affect the sex lives of women and men.
“Among men, sex sometimes results in intimacy; among women, intimacy sometimes results in sex.” – Barbara Cartland
How sex changes for older women
There’s no doubt that female sexual function changes with aging, with a decline in sexual activity from 40% in women ages 65-74 to less than 20% in those 75-85. Many older women define sex as vaginal intercourse, which may amplify the decline in sexual activity if a male partner is less healthy or available. The healthier the woman, the more likely she is to engage in sexual activity and although sexual desire may flag, the desire for intimacy does not.
What changes:
After menopause, the lack of estrogen production in females cause changes to the sexual organs, which can lead to challenges:
- Vulva and vaginal wall thinning and shrinkage (Vulvovaginal atrophy)
- Less lubrication of the vagina and associated tissues
- Increased sensitivity
- Longer arousal time needed
As a result, for women:
- Intercourse can be painful
- Touch can be irritating or painful
- It often takes longer to be ready for sex
- Orgasm may be delayed
What to do:
For women who are experiencing either decreased libido or discomfort during sex, it’s important to bring these up to a medical provider, in order to be checked for common health conditions that might be causing or aggravating these issues.
And, it’s almost always a good idea to incorporate (or revisit) one of the “Three T” foundational intimacy strategies, as they are great for helping with these common age-related changes affecting sexuality:
- More Touch
- More Time
- More Talking
When it comes to timing, Natalie Wilton says: “A lot of older women say their mind feels turned on, but their body’s not quite there yet, ” and that with a prolonged arousal cycle, it can take up to 24 hours of “foreplay” to get physically ready.
This may not mean 24 hours of physical stimulation, but a longer period of romance, intimacy, and closeness may be what’s needed for a satisfying encounter. The foreplay can include talking, but “More Talking” also refers to communicating with one’s partner about what is needed to make sex more comfortable. This might include shopping for a sex toy (online may be preferable to a brick and mortar shop) and lubricant (readily available at most drug stores).
For some women, medication can help, such as topical hormone therapy (cream or vaginal suppository), or systemic (oral) hormone therapy (usually only if there are other symptoms of menopause such as hot flashes, due to risks and side effects).
Last but not least, it’s important for women and their partners to be aware of the role of mental states and relationship states, when it comes to a woman’s sexuality. Sex, after all, involves the mind along with the body.
“The most important sexual organ is the brain,” says Natalie Wilton. Relationship status is one of the biggest influences on sexual desire and activity on older females, and with age-related health changes in their partner, Wilton says, “It becomes thinking about sex in a different way and doing things differently”.
For many women, that means adjusting the perception that vaginal intercourse is the only way to have sex, trying different sexual activities, and maybe even using toys or devices to have pleasurable moments with their partner.
How sex changes for older men
With aging, men appear to retain desire and interest longer than women, with up to 70% of those over 70 reporting sexual activity, with “real sex” largely defined as penetrative penis-vagina intercourse.
What changes:
Like in women, the aging male can take longer to become aroused, and can have a longer refractory period after an orgasm before being ready to begin a new sexual cycle. Erectile dysfunction is more common in older age, with up to two-thirds of men over 70 reporting ED.
This can be related to declining testosterone levels, and is also commonly influenced by many age-related conditions and the medications used to treat them.
What to do:
Since medications are such a common cause or contributor to sexual difficulties, it’s a good idea to ask your health provider if medications might be affecting your sex life.
Here’s a list of the most common medications to be aware of, when it comes to erectile dysfunction, organized by condition for which they are prescribed:
- High blood pressure medications: Thiazide diuretics, beta-blockers, spironolactone
- Pain medications: Opiates (e.g. Morphine, Hydromorphone)
- Enlarged prostate medications: 5 alpha-reductase inhibitors (e.g. finasteride)
- Prostate cancer medications: Anti-androgens and other “testosterone blockers”
- Stomach ulcer medications: Histamine-2 blockers (e.g. ranitidine)
- Depression, Anxiety and other mood medications: Tricyclic antidepressants, selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, benzodiazepines, antipsychotics, phenytoin
- Atrial fibrillation medications: Digoxin
Along with medication adjustments and treatment of other physical health conditions, it also often helps for older men to rethink their approach to sex and intimacy.
For instance, when aging or health problems cause physical changes that are difficult to reverse, a constructive approach is to reframe sex, in order to focus more on sexual activities that don’t require an erection or an ejaculation. Intimacy is important to older men, who are more likely than their mature female counterparts to be in a partnered relationship.
Says Natalie Wilton: “Many things about sex are the same, despite being at an older age, especially the emotional ones”. To keep the connection strong, older adults may need to explore new techniques and devices to maintain a satisfying sex life. These could include toys, lubricants, visual material, or even a trip to the sex therapist.
Keeping sex safe
Preventing pregnancy is usually not a concern in later life. Still, it’s important to use condoms and otherwise practice safe sex, if your partner is new or if you aren’t sure the relationship is exclusive.
That’s because sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) can and do happen to older adults. It’s less likely that an older person will have an STD compared to a younger person, but the risk is still there. In fact, the Centres for Disease Control recommend screening older women for STDs in the following situations:
- New partner
- More than one sex partner
- Sex partner with concurrent partners
- Sex partner with an STD
For more on STDs in later life, see this Harvard Health Letter article: Sexually transmitted disease? At my age?
Beyond Normal Aging: Sex & Disability
Some physical changes are normal and universal, but what about when there are unexpected health challenges in later life that can put a damper on sex? In this section, we’ll talk about ways to work around conditions that can be a part of old age, instead of closing the door to a satisfying sex life.
Why bother?
Why even have sex if you’re living with disability or illness? Well, it’s good for your physical and emotional health. For instance:
- Sex can cause the release of good brain chemicals like norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nitric oxide (NO), the hormone prolactin, and even endocannabinoid (your body’s cannabis chemical).
- It boosts self-esteem
- It promotes intimacy and closeness
- It helps to maintain the health of your sexual organs
- Caregivers who have a satisfying sex life are happier than those who don’t
Strategies to help with common health challenges
Pain:
There are many conditions with pain as a symptom, including osteoarthritis, previous injuries, neuropathic pain, or some stroke syndromes. Many pain syndromes are more active in the morning or nighttime – typical times for sexual activity, so making time for sex and intimacy in the middle of the day could be more enjoyable.
Positioning is very important when living with pain, and Natalie Wilton recommends rearranging pillows or looking into purchasing specialized foam wedges that can make sex more comfortable.
Cancer:
Depending on the type of cancer and treatment plan, sex can change dramatically after a cancer diagnosis. Sex may not be able to continue in the physical way that was previously enjoyed and sexual pleasure sensations and orgasm may be very different. Some people lose interest in sex while being treated for cancer, but most want to continue or resume some type of sexual activity, especially if they are in a partnered relationship.
Many cancer centres have a social worker that can help address the communication strategies needed to renegotiate lovemaking in the setting of loss, or loss of function of a body part due to cancer. In practical terms, erectile function can be aided with medication and/or mechanical devices (like a vacuum or suction device).
Heart disease:
Like with cancer treatment, there can be a fear of having sex after a heart attack or major cardiac procedure or surgery. In general, when a person is fit for exercise, they are also fit for vigorous sexual activity, so there may need to be an exploration of activities like massage, cuddling, or sharing sexual fantasies while recovering from a heart attack or surgery.
Many cardiac medications can affect the ability to get an erection for men, and to achieve orgasm in both men and women, but stopping medications due to these side effects can lead to more symptoms and higher risk of recurrent events.
Parkinson’s disease:
Symptoms of Parkinson’s can include stiffness, slowing, and trouble with the autonomic nervous system, which is involved in erections and orgasm. Many treatments for Parkinson’s have a predictable pattern of effect, so scheduling sex when the meds are likely to be at their peak performance can be critical.
Depression:
A mood disorder, or the medications used to treat one, can affect libido and sexual function. Serotonin reuptake inhibitors for example (a commonly prescribed antidepressant) can lead to delayed arousal and difficulty achieving orgasm.
Dementia:
I cover this in more depth in this follow-up article, but sex with a changing brain is something that is often framed as a problem, or “inappropriate”, which can lead to unnecessary medication use or social isolation for the person with dementia. The World Health Organization recognizes the right to sexual expression for all persons if it’s safe and respectful, and that can happen even in the context of dementia, says Natalie Wilton.
Learn more here: Sex When Caregiving: Navigating Your Changing Relationship (Even if There’s Dementia)
You can see from the above points, that sex and health issues are common, and can be addressed in different ways. “For many couples, taking sexual intercourse off the table can be a place to start”, offers Wilton. Shifting the focus from penis-vagina contact and orgasm to intimacy, pleasure and emotional closeness, can take the pressure off and reinforce the connection between partners.
When to talk to a sex therapist
Sex therapists are professionals with additional training in sex therapy and may come from a background of social work, psychology, nursing, or medicine. Most offer counselling and advice and work with individuals or couples. Therapy involves:
- Exploring root causes of difficulty
- Education about practical strategies (e.g. positioning, use of aids)
- Cognitive behavioural techniques to change thoughts and behaviours
Sex therapists almost never provide sex surrogacy or have sexual contact with the client, although those services may be available from other professionals.
Some therapists, like Natalie Wilton, specialize in working with older adults, but many of the issues that come up are the same no matter the age group and can include:
- Mismatch between partners’ levels of interest
- Recovery from infidelity
- Chronic pain affecting sex
- Managing the sexual side of a caregiving relationship and maintaining both partners’ satisfaction
- Female sexual health issues: painful intercourse, difficulties with desire or orgasm
- Male sexual health issues: delayed or premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction
- Returning to sexual activity after an illness or injury
The Bottom Line
Here are the key take-aways that I want every older person (and health provider!) to know:
- Sexual activity is normal and important throughout the lifespan
- Normal aging causes changes in males and females which can affect sexual function and interest
- Common health issues in older adults can also affect sexual desire and performance
- Sexuality in late life may involve reframing goals and preferences to prioritize activities other than penetration and orgasm
- Sex therapy, medication review, and communication with one’s partner are strategies to improve sexual health in older adults
If you’ve been dissatisfied with your sex life or were thinking that “I’m too old for this,” I hope this information will inspire you to take action and tap into the potential of your late-life sexual self.
I’d also be delighted to have you come visit my site The Wrinkle, where you can listen to my interviews with geriatric sex therapist Natalie Wilton; I even have downloadable transcripts for those who want them. Here are the links:
Part One – Sex in Later Life – Interview with Natalie Wilton
Part Two – Sex and the Caregiver with Natalie Wilton
Part Three – Sex and the Changing Brain with Natalie Wilton
And of course, if you have any questions or comments, please post them below!
(There’s nothing to be embarrassed about and…you can of course post as “Anonymous” if you prefer. Because there’s nothing wrong with wanting a little privacy too.)
[This article was first published in Feb 2020 & minor updates were made in Feb 2024.]
Steve says
Hello… My wife is 69 and I am 75. My wife doesn’t seem to want sex, but she has had a cancer and the subsequent removal of her female reproductive organs (this was over 12 years ago…). She expresses she wants more teasing, but I suspect its something else… Also, her breasts were not part of her surgery, but she has adopted an hands-off attitude when it comes foreplay. Help!
Nicole Didyk, MD says
It’s really great that you’re reaching out for help – a sign that you want to have a satisfying sex life with your wife and are open to learning.
After cancer treatment, whether it’s surgery, radiation or medication, there can be physical and emotional changes that affect sex. This article from the American Cancer Society has some helpful information: https://www.cancer.org/treatment/treatments-and-side-effects/physical-side-effects/fertility-and-sexual-side-effects/sexuality-for-women-with-cancer/pelvic-surgery.html.
A good approach is to keep the communication lines open, and consider that with aging, sex often takes more “Time, Touch and Talking” (the 3 T’s). Having an open dialogue about what a partner enjoys, and what they may not (even if they liked it before) can be informative. A sex therapist can also help to guide these discussions.
Thanks for sharing your experience and for taking the time to leave a comment.
paul seastron says
We have been together for 23 years, it’s our second time around, our sex life was very active up to 5 years ago, but now it’s gone down to nothing in the last 2 years.
She does not want to have sex at all and does nothing to see my point of view, OK that’s what she wants, but I have to say I am at a loss. I am 70 and my partner is 78, still very much in love.
The other thing she is so living in the past, even about old boyfriends, I can cope with that but it is starting to wear a little thin. We all have our past but to a point, it is a little to much. Sometimes when she does talk about them it turns me on even more so, but there is no response from her towards me. She would go mad if she knew I had spoken with you, she is not a wallflower by any means and used to be very adventurist in the past. I look forward to hearing from you ASAP please.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
It sounds like a sexual desire mismatch is going on, which isn’t uncommon in long-time partners (it happens in up to 1 in 3 couples).
In older adults, a new decrease in sexual desire might be a reason to get a medical evaluation. Medication side effects, depression, thyroid dysfunction, or other medical issues can affect sexual desire.
If all of that is ruled out there can be a focus on finding out what else is going on. Most sex therapists advise taking sex “off the table” if there’s a distressing mismatch, and seeking closeness in other ways. This can take the pressure off and lead to a more satisfying relationship.
Speaking of therapists, they can be tremendously helpful in such relationship challenges. There’s no shame in getting their advice so you can continue to nurture your love in the best way.
bob rush says
my partner feels she is too old at 76 for sex even though oral sex always turned her on. she had surgery and can flatulate uncontrolably and is afraid shell pass gas while im down there discovering… at 74 im still a horney toad but do see the oncoming of ED….im stuck and she isnt interested
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Hi Bob and thanks for sharing your experience. It’s great that your partner shared her concerns about oral sex, that’s very helpful in figuring out how to work around that issue. Being honest and talking about sensitive issues is a good sign of a healthy relationship.
Sex and aging is all about “Time, Talk and Touch”, and in the scenario you describe, the talking and time are going to be the key. Planning ahead for intimacy and avoiding gassy foods, as well as making sure to do some exercise (which can help to regulate flatulency and bowel function) are a couple of ideas.
I hope you can continue the communication and find a way to keep up the intimacy and exploration.
fred says
Has the couple considered lactose intolerance the cause of excessive flatulence?
A well placed soft towel might sufficiently solve the aesthetic problem for both. Perhaps with some plastic wrap, too.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Very creative, Fred! I would be careful putting plastic wrap next to the skin for an extended period of time though.
Linda B. Black says
An answer for Bob Rush on issues with passing gas: I suffered from that for over a decade. I visited 8 different GI doctors during that time, and not a one of them was able to help. Then, one day, while watching a beano ad, I heard the announcer say that beano was an enzyme, and I thought “if an enzyme could prevent gas while eating beans, why couldn’t I take enzymes in general for gas?” I also realized that gas problems usually happen with age, and that problem must have something to do with the aging body. It’s very possible that the pancreas and liver are not producing enough enzymes to digest foods. I bought enzyme pills that were recommended by a health professional, experimented with dosage, and it worked. The enzymes are available to the general public.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
“Beano” is the brand name for alpha-galactosidase, and it is an enzyme. From what I could find in the scientific literature, the evidence that it works well to reduce intestinal gas is m=limited, so I don’t recommend it.
Other things that could help include diet modification, physical exercise, quitting smoking and avoiding carbonated drinks and gum.
Mary says
I am a 68 year old woman who has been married to a man 17 years younger than myself for 23 years. We have enjoyed our sex life and my husband still has sex with me 5-7 days a week. We had a little girl 6 years ago via a surrogate and is the love of my life but exhausting. My husband complains that he doesn’t have sex enough and is constantly grabbing at me all day. He works from home and I am retired. I understand now reading your article that maybe he needs me to be touching him sexually during the day also as he is requesting. I want a good and happy marriage. What would you suggest.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
A great first step is recognizing the mismatch and looking for advice to bring you closer to your partner, rather than avoiding the issue, so good job, there!
Remember the “Time, Talk and Touch” approach and consider having an open discussion about how you can meet in the middle. Talk about ways to bring intimacy and touch into more mundane times of the day. The other thing is that flirting and romantic touching doesn’t always have to lead to intercourse, and may satisfy the need for intimacy and attention without tiring you out.
Finally, a change in sex drive can sometimes signify a medical issue, even in a 50 year old, so it’s worth making sure that there isn’t an issue with your partner, or an unnatural medical cause for your tiredness as well.
Thanks for sharing your experience and taking the time to comment on the article!
Casey says
I am late 50’s and recently married for the first time to a man 20 yrs older. When he got romantic before we married, I asked him to wait. I guess age is setting in now, several months after marriage we haven’t have sex yet. He took an ED drug 5 or 6 times but tries waking me sometimes at 5am which was not what I imagined for our first time. At 8 or 9am he’s not able. Varying the time he takes it doesn’t seem to matter and now he has a complication with an arm injury.
I have been in many relationships but never imagined my marriage would be the sexless one, especially spending so much time together during Covid. Understanding the issues doesn’t fix the problem. I don’t know what to do. Please help. Thank you.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Many people in your situation would just resign themselves to a “sexless” marriage, but it’s good to reach out for help, because things can get better.
Erectile dysfunction is complex, and may not just involve getting and maintaining an erection, so ED meds are not always the answer. If a man can get an erection in the early morning, then that may mean being flexible about the timing of intercourse. Going to bed earlier or planning for a nap later in the day to accommodate early morning sex could be a compromise.
For many couples, taking the focus off of penis-vagina intercourse can relieve a lot of stress and be very pleasurable. Sex really is more than one act, and couples can experience intimacy and sexual satisfaction in many ways that don’t require an erect penis or ejaculation.
A sex therapist would be a helpful professional in a case like you describe. The therapist would be able to facilitate communication about what’s happening, and offer suggestions to achieve a sex life that’s satisfactory to both of you.
Debby says
The MonaLisa lazar treatment was the best fix for me. Check online for gynecologists in your area who do this procedure.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
The procedure you mention is laser therapy which has been used for the genito-urinary symptoms of menopause (like vaginal dryness, irritation, vaginal laxity, and stress urinary incontinence – the kind of incontinence where urine is released with a cough, sneeze or with exercise). As mentioned in the article, those symptoms can make vaginal intercourse painful.
The laser therapy basically heats up the vaginal tissue and promotes collagen remodelling and increased lubrication. In doing some research into this therapy though, I found an opinion by the International Urogynecology Association that advises that we need more evidence using these devices before they can be widely recommended. There have been 2 well-designed randomized controlled trials of the use of lasers to relieve genito-urinary symptoms and improve sexual function, involving a total of 102 women. There did seem to be short-term improvement, compared to placebo treatments, and no major safety issues were identified. So it seems promising, but may be prudent to wait for more clinical evidence before investing too heavily in a course of laser treatment.
I’m glad to hear that it helped you, though!
Anonymous says
2 years ago at the age of 69 I was diagnosed with anal cancer and was successfully treated. However, I fear the radiation has permanently altered my vaginal tissue. Up to that point my spouse and I of 36 years enjoyed an active sex life, but now intercourse is extremely painful. My medical professionals have prescribed topical hormone creams, vaginal stretchers and we have tried every lubricant on the market to no avail. I also take a low dose harmone replacement. My husband and I still have sexual drives and are otherwise healthy…but the pain…well…is a real pain.
Are there any other solutions out there?
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I’m so happy to hear that your treatment was a success, but it sounds like you are living with some challenging symptoms. I did come across this article about maintain sexual health after gynecologic cancer (Maintaining Sexual Health throughout Gynecologic Cancer Survivorship: A Comprehensive Review and Clinical Guide, Laura B. Huffman, et.al.,Gynecol Oncol.
Published in final edited form as: Gynecol Oncol. 2016 Feb; 140(2): 359–368. Published online 2015 Nov 7. doi: 10.1016/j.ygyno.2015.11.010, in case the link doesn’t work for you).
The authors recommend lubricants, dilators (or “stretchers”) and hormone replacement, as you mention, but also discuss pelvic floor exercises (also called “kegels”) or a topical anagesic (like a lidocaine pain reliever gel) applied directly to the vagina.
This might also be a good topic to discuss with a sex therapist. Part of continuing to enjoy your sex life might mean focusing on activities other than penetration for a while, so that you can continue to have the intimacy and pleasure you need, just in a different way.
Thanks for sharing your experience, and know that you are not alone. Up to 90% of women who survive cancer like you have, can have issues with sexual function.
Wendy Corn says
Kegels are not always the right thing. A pelvic floor physical therapist would be best to see to discover the right pelvic floor exercises.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
That’s a great point, Wendy! Therapists or nurses with additional training in pelvic floor health are an invaluable resource and can guide which exercises are best.
Inge fowlie says
I’m turning 90 in May.
I’m still very interested in intimacy but meeting someone is the problem. I was with a man for about six years but his Deteriorating mental & Physical abilities made it impossible for us to be together.
I think meeting someone is the main problem for most of us old woman.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
In fact, when doing research for this article, I found that women who were in a relationship with a partner were much more likely to be sexually active, whereas in males, this wasn’t as important. So, you are probably correct that finding a partner can be a barrier to sex in later life for older ladies.
Intimacy by definition requires sharing with another individual, but don’t forget about “solo sex” (masturbation) as a way to maintain a feeling of sexual and physical vitality. Thanks so much for sharing your perspective.
John says
I have no health problems on no medication I keep myself fit my brain keeps me going as for wanting sex but how do I find a partner the same? Not only sex but friendly and laughing.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I’m not a dating coach, but finding a romantic companion is tricky at any age.
Most people find a partner by sharing common interests, so it’s a good idea to keep active in things you like to do. You may meet someone at the gym, a concert, museum, or other places where you like to go. Friendship is definitely a good place to start.
Letting friends and family know you’re “looking” may prompt some introductions as well. Good luck and don’t give up!
Thomas Caswell says
The pleasures in life and in creative imagination, lends us the ability to experience pleasures in the mind, whether through some artistic erotic writing, and stimulating visual fantasy videos, whatever it is that may be deemed forbidden back in the day. the best bet, if solo, is reading some great erotica , having comfortable toys that work for you and without pain, and of course, great conversation and sharing with others that share your interests.
Life is a blessed gift, enjoy every experience while we are here.
Me says
How could you possibly have any interest in sex at your age? I’m 72 and could care less. My husband, on the other hand, is just like he always was in spite of cancer and removal of a kidney. I hate to fight him off but I had enough sex.
It seems like a lot of work to go through for one facet of love.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I appreciate your point of view, but many older adults are very interested in sex and have active sex lives. Your husband is an example.
Intercourse is only one facet of sex, and there are lots of other ways to have intimacy and pleasure with a partner. Even with a sexual desire mismatch, there can be enough common ground that both partners can share an activity that brings satisfaction. thanks again for sharing your perspective.
Jay Mani says
I read your post with great interest. I am an over-the-hill male, now turned 87 years, having had an open heart surgery in 2017. I have a heightened libido especially after the surgery and I enjoy sex now and then, in my own ways! I like it. Regular visits to the gym, watching tv shows and sports, and occasional indulgence in sexual mood are my pastime.
Jay Mani says
Fine.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Hi Jay and thanks for reading the article! You don’t sound like someone who could be characterized as “over-the-hill” if you have enough energy to go to the gym and have a healthy interest in sex. As mentioned in the article. many people feel nervous about resuming activity, including sex, after a major cardiac event or surgery. Thanks for sharing your experience!
Jay Mani says
I hear people often say, including my physician, that I look much younger than my present age and that I should do whatever I have been doing all these years to keep up my physique. My main mantra is gym and healthy vegetarian diet! One problem, though, I can’t sleep for more than 6/7 hours, that too, from 2 am only with no nap in the intervening time – which my physician for over 45 years has okayed!
Nicole Didyk, MD says
I have a few patients with that type of sleep pattern (sleeping from the early AM hours to later in the morning, what we physicians would call a “phase shift”). Most of them are retired stage performers or shift workers. It’s okay to have a schedule like this, and the national sleep foundation would agree with your doctor that 6-8 hours is fine.
I recommend checking out Dr. Kernisan’s article on sleep if you haven’t already.
Jay Mani says
I’ll check out the article on sleep. Yes, I’m a World Bank retiree and I have adapted this “phase shift” since my retirement
sue says
Interesting that you mention all of the medications that can affect men but don’t include same for women. That must be a great unknown or a bias. Not sure which.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Thanks for pointing that out, sue! We know that Selective Serotonin Re-uptake Inhibitors (aka SSRI’s, like sertraline, escitalopram or paroxetine), can delay or prevent orgasm in both women and men, and these drugs are commonly prescribed for anxiety and depression.
This article is a good summary of how psychiatric medications and conditions can affect sexual function in women.
Tabby says
I am 67 yrs, take sertraline and have no problem achieving orgasm while self-pleasuring. Sex toys help.
Nicole Didyk, MD says
Thanks for sharing your experience and I’m glad to hear that the medication doesn’t cause any problems with orgasm for you. I’ll just take the opportunity to remind all of the readers that self love, with or without a toy is completely normal for older adults and is a good way to maintain your sexual health.
Some individuals have an easier time with orgasm when they are not with their partner, and that’s alright too, but another strategy is to bring some of those solo toys into the partner play as well.
Thomas Caswell says
Excellent add-on, as with the mind, and the erogenous zones that are often overlooked by Men, such as a simple soft touch behind the knee, or a feather tip touch to the back of the elbow, or neck and behind the ear. Maybe even a nice soft scalp massage for you, considering the amounts of nerve ending in the scalp, is pleasurable. Of Course imagination, fantasizing and reading soft creative erotica, before masturbation, can be out of this world. Just speaking from experience as a Man, 56 years old, who has a 67 year old girlfriend.