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Q&A: What to do if your aging parent becomes rude & resistant

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH

Aging Parent with Adult Child

Q: My loving, Jewish mother is 92 and has turned into a rude, abusive foul-mouthed woman who I no longer recognize.

She’s in relatively good health and amazingly lives in the same house I grew up in. She has an aide during the day. She won’t leave the house,treats the aide poorly and last weekend cursed out my very patient spouse. We’ve been getting 5 calls a day such as ” I”m having a heart attack; no one will tell me whether recycling comes today”! 

I know she has early signs of dementia. Her cardiologist tells me not to take it to heart and this is not the same women who raised me.  She won’t go to the JCC adult programs, complains about being lonely at night, yet hangs up on me when I tell her we can get an aide at night or sell the home and let her live in a facility with women her age, etc. She threatens to call the Police if someone comes to her home at night. I have a POA but don’t want to rob her of her independence at 92. I try to tell her to speak nicely to the aides, myself, my spouse, but she says ” I don’t remember or I must have reacted to something someone did or said.”

I feel guilty as I’m not spending as much time with her as I would like, but it’s a matter of survival. Jewish guilt is thrown about with impunity and I can’t tell whether she’s being manipulative and obsessing over bullshit ( “oh my God the outside light may burn out tonight” ) or she really can’t control herself. Her aide  is a lovely human being but my mom orders her around like a slave.  Who is this woman? I’m torn, anguishing over what to do and am doing nothing but try to correct her inappropriate behavior and language. I wanted to take her to a geriatric psychiatrist but she refused to go. Medication to calm her down is dangerous per the MD as she could fall, etc. 

What should I do? I’m at my wits end. 

Dr. K’s answer:

Wow, difficult situation but unfortunately not uncommon.

You say your mother has early signs of dementia, and it is true that “personality changes” can be due to an underlying dementia, such as fronto-temporal dementia or Alzheimer’s, especially if a family notices other changes in memory or thinking abilities.

But it doesn’t sound like your mother’s been clinically evaluated for dementia, and you don’t say whether this has been brought up with her primary care doctor.

How to Get Memory & Thinking (or Personality Changes) Evaluated

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Aging health, Geriatrics For Caregivers Blog, Helping Older Parents Articles, Managing relationships, Q&A Tagged With: dementia, dementia diagnosis

Incompetence & Losing Capacity:
Answers to 8 FAQs

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH

Depositphotos_9669220_m-2015-brain-cogs-leaving-compressor

Have you ever been concerned about an older relative who seems to be making bad decisions?

Perhaps your elderly father insists he has no difficulties driving, even though he’s gotten into some fender benders and you find yourself a bit uncomfortable when you ride in the car with him.

Or you’ve worried about your aging aunt giving an alarming amount of money to people who call her on the phone.

Or maybe it’s your older spouse, who has started refusing to take his medication, claiming that it’s poisoned because the neighbor is out to get him.

These situations are certainly concerning, and they often prompt families to ask me if they should be worried about an older adult becoming “incompetent.”

In response, I usually answer that we need to do at least two things:

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Aging health, Geriatrics For Caregivers Blog, Helping Older Parents Articles, Managing relationships, Q&A Tagged With: capacity, dementia, memory

Q&A: Hospice in Dementia, Medications, & What to Do If You’re Concerned

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH

hospice in Alzheimer's dementia

Q: Dear Dr. K,

With all the news about opioids and benzodiazepines, and their risk of death, I would love to hear your take on the use of these drugs in hospice.

We’ve had two family experiences now (my Mom and my Aunt) who were given these drugs right away when they went on hospice…without hospice trying anything else first that would be less dangerous. My Mom was up and about walking one day at her memory care facility, even laughing. The next day, when hospice put her on morphine and Ativan, she was in a coma. She died 13 days later without ever regaining consciousness. When I protested and asked why she wasn’t waking up, the hospice nurse said, “It’s not the drugs, it’s the disease.” (Mom had dementia.) The nurses wouldn’t let us give her fluids (“you don’t want your mother to aspirate, do you?”) or feed her (“you don’t want your mother to choke, do you?”).

With my Aunt, she had also been in the memory care facility and got to the point of needing a two-person assist. Her power of attorney (POA) was given the choice of moving my Aunt into a nursing home or bringing in hospice. Hospice immediately gave her morphine and Ativan, then backed off the Ativan and gave her morphine every two hours until she died 3 days later. 

Now the third sister, also with dementia, has been in hospice for two months and counting. She is lucid most days, eating/drinking, comfortable—all without the opioid/benzo drug combo, because of our experience.

How can family members identify a hospice that doesn’t use this troubling combination of drugs from the start, without first trying something less dangerous, to make a patient “comfortable”? 

A: Thanks for sending in this question. I’m very sorry to hear that your experiences with hospice have left you concerned.

It is indeed extremely common for hospice to use morphine and lorazepam (brand name Ativan) to treat end-of-life symptoms. That’s because many people on hospice are suffering from troubling symptoms that these medications can relieve, such as pain, shortness of breath, anxiety, and agitation.

Still, these medications are not always necessary. They are supposed to be prescribed and used as required to relieve the dying person’s symptoms, not by default. So the situation you describe with your mother and your aunt does sound potentially concerning. At a bare minimum, the hospice personnel should have done a better job of discussing their proposed care plan with your family.

Now let me be clear: I cannot say if the way they prescribed morphine and lorazepam was inappropriate or not, because it’s impossible for me to know the specifics of your mother and aunt’s medical situation.

Still, we can certainly review some basics about hospice care for people with Alzheimer’s and related dementias, as well as recommended best practices, when it comes to using opioids and benzodiazepine sedatives.

Here’s what I’ll cover:

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Geriatrics For Caregivers Blog, Helping Older Parents Articles, Q&A Tagged With: alzheimer's, dementia, end-of-life care, hospice, medication s

Q&A: How to Feel Closer to A Spouse with Alzheimer’s

by Leslie Kernisan, MD MPH

Hands of older couple

Dear Dr. K,

I live with my wife, who has Alzheimer’s.

I don’t argue or try to correct my wife when she misremembers or confabulates but this makes for two different worlds – hers and mine – and so we have less in common and grow apart. Is this the only option or have you better advice?  — D.T.

First and foremost, I want to thank you for everything you’ve done, and are doing, for your wife with Alzheimer’s. It’s not an easy journey, and she’s very fortunate to have you involved.

Your question really speaks to the relationship issues that arise in Alzheimer’s caregiving. As the disease changes your wife’s brain, this is going to change the way you and she relate to each other.

I’m glad you are looking for advice on this topic, because maintaining and improving your emotional connection can yield big benefits for both of you, in the short-run and in the long run. In fact, it’s quite possibly the most important thing that you can do for yourself and your wife.

Why maintaining an emotional connection is so important in Alzheimer’s

Feeling more connected will reduce stress for you both. This leads to three very important benefits:

  1. It will help your wife have the best brain function possible;
  2. It will help you manage caregiving challenges a little better;
  3. It will improve your health and well-being.

In my opinion, reducing stress and improving emotional connection can probably do more for her brain health than most dementia medications, and most conventional medical interventions. (Avoiding delirium, however, might be equally valuable.)

The mind-body-heart connection is that important!

Plus, it’s a win-win, since what improves your relationship will help reduce the stress that caregiving can put on your own health.

So, my opinion as a doctor is that this is important enough to your health, and your wife’s health, that you should seriously consider investing time — and possibly money — in this nurturing of your relationship.

How to counter the way Alzheimer’s tends to drive couples apart

[Read more…]

Filed Under: Geriatrics For Caregivers Blog, Managing relationships, Q&A Tagged With: alzheimer's

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